Grattitude in Gluttony

Well Thanksgiving was a great success here and I hope yours was as full of joy, chaos and good food as mine was!

We had 6 adults, 3 teenagers, 2, kids and 3 dogs gathered for a gluttunous feast of 2 turkeys, 2 stuffings, 2 yam casseroles, 2 pans of rolls (and the food came marching in two by two hurrah....hurrah!) as well as other assorted sides and desserts to cause a coma. I know you are pondering how on earth 11 people equals 46 pounds of turkey and the rest of the Thanksgiving ark....well so are we. Suffice it to say....leftovers abound!

Amongst the fun of family. games, over eating, stories, children showing off and dogs begging on every corner what stands out to me is........pie. To be specific a Marie Calendars Chocolate Satin Pie.

Let me explain......

It has been tradition in our family going back to when I was able to enforce it as tradition that a chocolate pie is one of the desserts at thanksgiving dinner. Although I don't mind the fruit pies like pumpkin, apple, razzleberry (ok not berry- ick), they aren't really my thing. What can I say my taste buds just aren't as keen for hot fruit on crust as they are for....well....decadent chocolate on cookie crumb! And over time tradition has usually dictated not just any pie, but a Marie Calendar's Chocolate Satin Pie (lovingly nicknamed the satan pie.) So the desserts are laid, all the fruit pies and whipped creams for the fruit pie eaters and then MY chocolate pie. However, every year MY chocolate pie gets devoured by all the fruit eaters! Every stinkin' time! Now mind you I love MY chocolate pie. It sits in the fridge with my name tattooed across it in permanent marker along with "DO NOT TOUCH" and a skull and crossbones until it is placed on the table and then holiday decorum dictates that I must.....smile.......and......s..sh..sh..share MY precious chocolate pie. Did I mention it happens every single time? Did I also mention that I tend to sulk every year too? Ok, yes, I confess I sulk. It is MY pie....I got all that fruit goo for the rest of you (pout pout.)

So this year, yet again, there sits my beautiful pie in all its chocolate decadence (I love you my little pie of yumminess) and this year, yet again, my pie ends up on every ones plate. Ah....but here is where this tradition becomes my favorite memory of this Thanksgiving.......As I said yes (of course) when people asked if they were allowed any of MY chocolate (because as much as it is tradition to have the pie it is also tradition to tease me over my obsession of MY pie), shared my pie and watched people eat my pie....for the FIRST time I felt no great loss. It wasn't MY pie, but just a dessert. I didn't feel a need to hoard the pieces and hide half in the fridge in the very back while considering how I could attach an electric shock to it so only I could have it. In fact I felt joy in SHARING it!

This was one of the first times I saw food as just food. I ate to be satisfied and simply enjoyed it! Ironically in the middle of this holiday centered around food I discovered freedom from it!

Yes it was a very good Thanksgiving and this year I am thankful to have taken one more step away from food addiction and into my life!

The Gateway Holiday

Holey Moley! Halloween is officially behind us, but in its wake it has left diet desecration and blasted open the gates to bigger and better holiday addiction! Like those supposed "gateway drugs" Halloween is the first door, the little starter wedge, a small "harmless" step that leads straight onto bigger and better things: grateful gluttony, noel naughtiness, countdown calories, lavish loving, liquid luck and last but not least hoppity happiness! Halloween throws open the doors and it seems I find myself eating my way through the next 6 months just piling on the treats from the current holiday to the stash from the last holiday till Mount Guilt of Goodies is sky high! Can't toss it, shouldn't eat it, but waste not want not, right?

So what is a chunky dunker to do, especially a chunky dunker really trying to chunk less? Ban it from the house? Bar the doors and windows and hide under my bed for 6 months? Try to find "alternative" (and supposedly better" options (tofurkey anyone?) No, no and no. I think the answer lies in moderation. A treat is just that, a something special to enjoy. And my weight loss journey is not about surviving a diet, but finding my life, and my life includes holidays, fun and treats. So as what I lovingly call "holiday season," that period of time that starts with Halloween and ushers in one holiday on top of another for 6 months, comes rolling in I am going to remember that my life, the one I ultimately want, is not full of deprived misery or overindulgent suffering, but moderate enjoyment! No holiday rehab for me!

Seeking Inspiration

I have been feeling........introspective, almost like I really wish I were an artsy person so I could go to an art showing and ask myself "how does that piece make you feel?" Honestly, I would feel silly in an art show because although I do love some art I am definitely NOT an artsy person, not in the Hollywood, stereotypical way anyway. And, no matter how hard I may try (because I like to be nice) I seem to be "art deaf", or it doesn't like me, because it just doesn't speak to me.

Art aside, I have been in search of inspiration! My sister, because she loves me, has given me a challenge to help me in my weight loss goals and part of it requires me to find inspiration and face my fears. Wow that is two biggies all in one challenge. However, it really does make a lot of sense, and here my dad can be thrilled to know that his hours of helping with math did get through at least a little, because a positive cancels a negative. (Well at least if you add an equal amount of negative and positive you get zero- see I was listening dad.) So whether she meant to or not my sisters challenge is giving me the chance to "clean my slate" and cancel the negatives that have taken over with the positive motivation and inspiration.

So, again, I am in search of inspiration and this is what I have found:

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

~Dr. Seuss~

You gotta love Dr. Seuss! These words really are so true and if you follow my other blog you will know that I posted this as my inspiration for this week. I am at a decision point and I have all the tools to take whatever path I choose. As a chunky dunker I have more "diet, get healthy, lose weight" info floating around in my head than you can imagine. It isn't about knowledge. It isn't about ability. It is about choice.

I am afraid of failing, of not being able to actually move forward on my diet and succeed. Dr. Seuss has reminded me that that is a false belief. I know what I know and it is time to decide where I will go!

"Hello I'm Kettle!"

Yesterday my children, delightfully and with all the exuberance of small children, woke me up after my whole 4 1/2 hours of sleep to lovingly remind me they wanted to go to church. I, of course, "happily" rolled out of bed and got ready. Even though it was THEIR idea to get up and go the children of course began to stall in the getting ready process, their child minds not liking the idea of having to wear socks with their shoes or needing to brush their hair, and I began to feel very frustrated. Amidst this getting ready process my daughter comes out in her dress, adorned with her play jewelry and her play makeup ( a beautiful bright pink) very artfully applied.

I sighed and said "Go take off the make up."
"But why Mommy."
"Because I said so and you can't wear your make up like that."
"But I'm all dressed up."
"Just go take some off then. You can't go like that."
"But mommy I need it!"
"No you don't. No please go!"
"But, Mommy I want to look beautiful and I need make up to look beautiful."
I think I actually heard the screeching of brakes somewhere in the time and space.
"What?"
"I want to be beautiful Mommy. I'm not beautiful without my make up on."

Hadn't I taught my little girl that she is beautiful because of who she is and not what she wears? Hadn't I told her she was pretty just the way she was? I had. But, it didn't matter. Why? Because it is hard to believe that we are good enough just as we are. We hear it again and again and again, but it is a tough lesson to believe.

I stopped and gathered her up and looked straight in her eyes and I reminded her again " No my love, you ARE beautiful. You are beautiful on the inside and the outside and just the way you are! And I love you. I know you want to feel special today, so if you go clean up your face I will help you put on some of my make up and we will show off what you already have by using just a little. Ok?"
"OK!" And that is just what she did.

As I put a little make up on my daughter it dawned on me that I too find myself regularly doing things "because I want to be beautiful" and I forget that the beauty I have cannot come in a bottle, compact, jar, bottle, pill, food packet, gym, needle, wax, whitener, etc and more importantly that I don't WANT it to come from there! My beauty comes from the inside and shines through when I BELIEVE in it! It is always there because it was created into me, just as it was created into my daughter, and it is up to me to show it off.

For a long time, perhaps even up to this very moment, I figured my "beauty" would make a grand appearance when I lost weight. The the "pretty me" is buried under the layers. And on days that losing weight just feels too hard or too far away before I will lose enough to matter....on those days I don't allow myself to feel pretty. On those days I believe the lie that my beauty is held captive by a size and diet is my "make up," my way of getting to be beautiful.

"No my love, you ARE beautiful. You are beautiful on the inside and the outside and just the way you are!"

Snap To It!!

My sister and I have been working hard at getting this diet thing under control. Life has been a roller coaster that at times feels more like hanging on for dear life rather than riding the ride and with the ups and downs in life so has gone the diet....up and down. The other day we looked at each other and knew "Enough is enough!" We have not just the chance but the ability to take the controls of our life and direct it where we want to be....to ride the ride and not just hang on. And so we are coaching each other, taking turns wearing the boot and providing the boot a landing zone.

And truth be told the help is in the little stuff. Texts of encouragement. Texts of butt kicking. A request for a recipe idea. And a rubber band. Yes a rubber band. My sister and I are each decorated with a brand new piece of jewelry...a simple bracelet of rubber. This little guy not only gives me something to fidget with all day long, but is a quick and firm reminder to stay on track. Yep! When a negative food thought creeps in or an unnecessary craving tries to take over....SNAP!!!!!  Some days I feel like a snap-a-holic, but it IS helping! Day by day and snap by snap I am remembering to make diet conscious decisions and keeping control of my cravings and learning to recognize the what and why's I want what I want. And if ever I seem to be forgetting to snap out of it my children and sister love to help me!

Oooh....look....fresh-baked coo....SNAP!
Maybe just a little ric....SNAP!
Today I just don't wan...SNAP!

Oh no worries I get to have my fun with snapping people too! (Right sis?)

It is a little bit of a fashion sacrifice, but definitely worth it, and maybe I'll start a new trend!
Fashionable bracelet a la rubber anyone?

Along for the ride

Today was a wonderful, fun day at the fair with my sister, a friend and my kids! I watched and cheered as my kids and their "aunties" went on ride after ride, amazed and surprised at how well my kids did on such big rides! And, of course, I was queen of the camera, enjoying catching every moment I could......but not experiencing it.

So why, as a bystander, does this day go down as a good day? Because even though it was one simple ride, the big and beautiful Ferris Wheel, I got to climb inside and ride it. True, I was terrified all the way through the line I would be turned away too big to ride, or I wouldn't be able to squeeze my body onto the ride or worst of all I would break the whole frickin' thing! However, I made it on and LOVED the whole ride.

I enjoyed the view and the fun, but most of all I enjoyed how happy my kids were to have me on a ride with them! That felt AMAZING! Now that is a feeling of SUCCESS. Yes on a diet numbers go down, clothes get sassier, but my kids joy so far has been the greatest accomplishment and was a strong reminder that I have a big goal to reach....DISNEYLAND rides and all! Yes my little ones mama can do it!

Rainbows and Sparkles

OMG....So the diet program I am participating in has an online support group. We were told that we can go there for encouragement and advice, recipes, etc. So I go check it out and my reaction is a sudden burning sensation in my throat and a nauseated roll in my stomach. I can not believe what I am reading.
"It is just the greatest diet ever!"
"Everything tastes SOOOOO GOOOD!"
"This is so easy, I just can't believe it!!"
On and on and on the sap poured, from every line, every word, every syllable. Yuck!
I stared at my screen in confusion and frustration. All these people were farting skittles while dancing on sun streaked clouds under the rainbow of joy and happiness. Umm where were the people that felt like me? Like crap and were hungry and found the food tolerable but missed real food? Where were the people who stared at a forbidden treat and actually fought with themselves to the point of lunacy about whether to just take a bite? Where were the people that felt one snapped moment away from ripping the happy smile off the face of the next person who said "It is easy you can do it! Who needs food to have fun?"  and shoving it up there skittle popping portal?
There aren't any happy go lucky rainbows in my neck of the woods. I'm not gonna lie, a diet isn't easy. Change isn't easy. I know I have new habits to make and old habits to break, but if I am expected to be happy Joe sunshine the whole freakin' time you have got to be kidding me. Is the weight loss and the rewards of weight loss worth pushing through? Yes. But it is pushing. Pushing and falling and getting up and trying again and learning....a freakin' struggle the whole way up (or down I guess.)

My support group comment "This is real life. You have to live this diet to get your life back. It is tough, a real struggle some days, but it is worth it. Push through the tough because YOU are worth it." No rainbows no sparkles no skittles. 

Dear Me!

Sit back, lock your safety belt and hang on because this here diet thing is one of the wildest roller coasters ever!!

Some days it amazes me and others it frustrates me how much trying to lose weight is a cross between a battle and a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Great feelings. Crappy feelings. "Let's do it again!" moments. And "don't ever let me do that again!" moments. Small battles won. Small battles lost. Some days it seems there will be no win, no truce, no peace. Others it seems as though your off the ride as fast as your on it.

This has been one heck of a month. As I confessed to in my last post, a month ago, I had given myself the greatest gift but also had plans to indulge and indulge I did! And have I paid the price. Don't get me wrong, it all tasted WONDERFUL, however now I am struggling to get fully back on track. My will power and focus is losing ground to my taste buds.My soldiers are weary of the battle and have retreated in attempts to regroup and go again tomorrow, but moral in the camp is low. The enemy is SO strong! It is time for a pep talk. So although I know this is a public location forgive me for a moment while I have a little chat with myself!

Self! SELF!

It is time to listen up and get back on track! Yes I know the favorite foods taste good. Yes I know there has been a good excuse just around the corner, all seemingly justified. Yes I know summer has been crazy and busy has been a big excuse in and of itself. But it is time to look around at the disaster left behind! LOOK! You have lost ground and gained weight. Your energy is wallowing. You have lost sight of your goals big and small! You are only 7 pounds from being back to under 300. Then it is downhill till your next goal! 

You can do this! You want to do this! 

Your body is aching and getting tired doing the things you love and you miss the feeling you get when you know you have moved longer, faster or better than you have in a long time. You miss your energy! Yes it is going to be tough to re-start. You will be tired and grumpy, but you KNOW what you need to do. Keep on track. Keep good foods with you! Cook correctly! And then enjoy the success! You were cooking better and more creatively and the whole family was benefiting! 

DO NOT GIVE UP! Time to REFOCUS! 

Remember your goals! You have an amazing trip on the line! You have personal challenges you want to be able to do like taking your children to Disneyland and being able to ride the rides with your kids! You want to be able to play like you used to and try new and scary things like skydiving! It is time to wear a smaller size and fit in public seats and be able to walk the market without being exhausted! 

You CAN do this and you WANT it! 

Be strong and believe in you! Remember you are worth all you are working for!

My Birthday Gift

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! I can't believe I am dirty, flirty, fun and 30!! Yikes!

As one can imagine I have been very apprehensive about this birthday, the first big milestone birthday, going from excited to miserable, but I think I have settled on excited! And to top it off I have given myself, with the help of a wonderful program and an amazing support system (I love you guys!) one the greatest gifts.........

I am under 300 pounds for the first time in over SIX YEARS!! Wow! Happy Birthday to me!

Now admittedly after all the indulgence and fun of celebrating I am probably going to un-give my gift for a week, but for today I am under 300 pounds and it feels amazing to know I have done that! And with it has come a smaller size, the ability to buy a new cute shirt to celebrate in and the energy to party all night long!!

I know I have a long ways to go to reach the end goal, but right now I can celebrate.....and I am gonna CELEBRATE!! Can I get a woot woot!!??

Reality Check

The interesting thing about having a blog and friends that read it is that if you are too negative you end up with large boot prints all over your butt! Seriously!

So first of all, thank you to all of you who read, listened, encouraged and kicked my butt OUT of my self pity funk and helped me see a better perspective! Love to you guys!

Mind over matter......there really is something to that. It is interesting to be in my position- having success and yet being blind to it. In the process of "de-funking" I had two experiences that helped drive home just how far I have come.

While out shopping on the hunt for a hot pink shaker cup my sister and I passed by little weights- 3 and 5 pound ones. So for the heck of it I had her stack them up in my arms trying to get to the amount of weight I had lost. There weren't enough weights but we did get to about 35 pounds. Holy moley guacamole! That was HEAVY and I was only holding it for a few minutes AND it was only PART of the total amount of weight I have lost to date. WHAT???? I used to live and walk and function with that weight ALL THE TIME!!! How could I have lost all that and not realized what I had accomplished? And how could I have let myself put not just that much weight but so much more on? As we were putting them back she noted that the small 3 pound and 1 pound ones weren't too bad to hold and it was like a light burst through the clouds shining on us while angels sang- um yeah 1 or 2 pounds at a time isn't all that bad, isn't all that noticeable, thus making it so easy to just keep gaining little by little till before you know it ..... BAM chunky dunker-ville!

In the same way the weight has been coming off and I just couldn't see it. I have been feeling it and acting on it as I unconsciously move more and do more and wear smaller clothes, but I was blind to the overall progress. I couldn't help but think "so what I'm still fat and have a loooooong way to go."

Then I was going through pictures, some old and some new. And with permission I have to share.

 ONE YEAR AGO:

TWO WEEKS AGO:

I can't ignore that. I just can't. Plain and simple there is less us, less ME! And if I am honest with myself, and take the time to think back while I let my boot bruised booty re-coup, there HAVE been small, but definite changes. I can walk longer distances and stay on my feet for longer periods of time without getting winded and tired. I have more energy to get things done. I am not as sore all the time- in my back, my legs and my feet, I still have to fight the demons of my bad habits and cravings and mental struggles (like laziness and associating food to friends) but, each step, each and every step little as they may be are steps in the RIGHT direction and they are moving me toward a healthier and overall happier me!

Lost

"Hello brick wall, my name is Stephanie."

I.....am.......so.....lost......in......the.........mire.........of........the.......world........of......diet.....ugh!
I am blind to my success and have lost sight of my goals- any of them- and my will power is somewhere in the bottom of barrel or something because I just can't seem to find it. Why oh why.....wallow....wallow....wallow.

This has been the dominant thought as of late. And then my logic fights back.....stop sulking....you can do this....just get your mind over matter!!! And then back again to wallowing....then to logic...wallowing....logic....I think I am getting sea sick.

So the question that comes to mind is "Why?"
Why can't I keep my will power motivated?
Why do I feel so bummed out?
Why can't I see my success?
Why can't I seem to make food not be a happy thing for me?
Why can't I stay focused on my goals?
Why do I feel like I am going to die before I ever succeed as a dieter? (And why when I ask myself that question does dieter rhyme with mouse-k-tere like it is a nickname for some happy club with a theme song?)
Why above all am I doing this mental torture to myself?

The only answer I can seem to come up with is "I don't know."

I know this........I don't feel happy and miss feeling happy. Logic says I should feel happy because I have lost weight and I can do more and move better and am closer to my goals, etc. Logic says happy is a figment of my imagination (so to speak) and I can create "happiness" if I choose to. Logic says happy is not the goal- healthy is. Logic I'd like to tell you to stuff it with a very poignant hand signal as I kick you off a pier into shark infested salt water with bleeding wounds!

I want to feel happy happy and not just on this side of sad, grouchy and irritable. So what makes me happy and why am I not? Why can't I experience happiness in tandem with logic? Again.....I don't know. I know lately I have been feeling deprived- yes of the foods and flavors I love- but also from the good feeling I have when I enjoy them and the experiences I feel I am missing out on because I can't fully participate because I can't eat. And then I feel guilty for feeling upset. How crazy circular is that? I have been feeling irritated at all the people who are dieting like I am and they seem to have the sun shining out their where sun isn't supposed to shine. I have been feeling disappointed with myself because I can't make myself feel happy. I have been feeling tired of trying to revive my willpower. I have been feeling like I disappoint people because I am not feeling so happy go lucky. I have been feeling almost fake because I encourage and motivate others (the best I can) and on the inside I feel like this.

So now what??? How do I counter deprived, missing out, guilty, irritated, disappointed, disappointing people and fake?

I don't know.....at least today I don't.

Beautiful Creation

I absolutely LOVE this song by MercyMe and every time I hear it I feel a little bit better! It is so easy to get caught up in life, in being busy and comparing myself to other people and pictures in magazines and where I've been and where I want to be that I forget that I am created beautiful because God made me that way. No matter what others say or what I say about myself the truth is that I am God's creation and He made me beautiful, just as He did with all His creations! Big, small, short, tall, freckled, crooked teeth, wrinkled, fair skinned, dark skinned, big ears, high forehead, funny toes, straight hair, curly hair, short torso-ed, long limb-ed......ALL these features are beautiful because they are exactly as God created them to be on each and every beautiful creation He designed! Now if only I can remember that in my low moments.

Cupcake Confession

It all began with a cupcake. A sweet, chocolate, frosting topped morsel of temptation in a wrapper. I wasn't going to eat it. I wasn't even going to lick the frosting from my fingers. I was transporting the small bit of heaven home for my family and then suddenly it was gone and I had crumbs on my shirt and chocolate on my tongue. What had I done???? What.......had.....I.....dooooone??? After weeks of sacrifice and hard week I fell into temptation face first and I enjoyed every scrumptious moment! Yum yum yum in the yummiest of ways!

But it didn't stop there......

Once the door was open I could not contain myself and I indulged, I splurged, I dove head first into the world of temptation and gave in completely. Even as my body began to beg me to stop my taste buds pushed me onward....french toast, syrup, eggs, hash browns, sour cream, cheese, orange juice, cinnamon roll, whipped cream, a fair gyro and an elephant ear. OMG!!! Going....going....gone! Food coma and overwhelming guilt. Guilt enough to make me feel even more ill than I already was. Ugh. Ill and guilty enough to even give into old habits. Sigh. Having flushed my gluttony away I wallowed in my guilt and pondered the situation.

Besides feeling guilt what else did I feel? Confusion. Secretly I had wanted the food to not taste good. I had wanted it to be easy to not eat it. And that was soooooo not what happened. I sat there craving more, knowing I had to get back on track, worried I couldn't and wondering "what am I going to do once I have lost this weight?" I don't want to just lose weight I want to change my life and in this moment I realized I will always be fighting my indulgence cravings. So now what? I do better tomorrow, that's what. And I did. The next day I got back on track and followed my plan fighting each craving. And that is what I am going to continue doing until the next bridge.......but beware you future cupcake....tempt me and you may not make it home to the loving hands of my children, but rather the bottom of a garbage can! (Gulp....did I really just say that? Yes. Yes I did!)

Lost my glasses......

....my rose colored ones that it is! Lately it seems I just can't find my positive attitude anywhere. I have lost almost 30 pounds and 20 something inches on my new diet program and although I am happy I feel like I should be thrilled. Sadly it seems all I can see is not what I have done, but rather I have to do. I can't see the beauty of success through the years of fat and failure. I am so used to looking in the mirror for as short a tie as possible, just enough to do my hair or make-up. Standing in front of the mirror primping and prepping while checking out my features was a "hell no" for this girl. Kind of like men and shopping- in and out as fast possible getting what I need and back out with as few scars as possible. Well now I have tried to take some time and look and I can kind of see the improvement, but if I am honest with myself all I really see is what is left and I don't like what I see......still.

However, if I allow myself to continually wallow in regret, what if and negativity I will pull myself down and that is NOT what I need. I decided a while ago this was a change of not just body, but mind, spirit and attitude too! There is an amazing person inside and she is ready to come out. So with or without the rose colored glasses it is time to get a better perspective. When I started this blog I posted who I was as a chunky dunker and I posted what I like about me (a really short list.) It is time to revisit those.

This is me:

• I am almost 30 and weigh 307. I have succeeded at losing almost 44 pounds from the time I started this post.
• My body still aches, but I can do a lot more without being winded. 
• I can play the Wii Fit on the balance board. 
• Port-o-potty's and bathroom stalls are still small.
• I still have to shop in plus size stores, BUT wear a smaller size now. 
• Public seating, booths, rides and airplane seats are still a tight fit.
• I am able work hard and push myself to achieve my goals.
• I am able to encourage others and inspire them to reach their goals.
• I am funny and witty but I don't need it to protect me as often and it isn't all I have. 
• I have realized that I am big, but it doesn't mean I am worthless. (Although there are still days that is difficult to believe.)

Many of the things on my old list are still true, but I am learning they don't have to hold me back and they certainly don't have to define me. I can define me and when I look myself up in the dictionary I want to be defined as:  A beautiful woman inside and out with a passion for living and loving life to the fullest. Witty and smart with a fun personality. Courageous, strong, dependable and independent with a great sense of self worth from the inside out.

“He who gains a victory over other men is strong; but he who gains a victory over himself is all powerful.”

~ Lao Tzu~

Where's My Blankie???

My two youngest children have baby blankets that they have carried around since they were very little. These blankets are quite literally their security blankets. They feel safe and comforted wrapped inside them or when they hold them. As they have gotten older they don't tote them around everywhere and have learned to comfort themselves without them, but they still seek out blankie when they are really hurt or sad or scared or upset.

Some days as a chunky dunker I wish I had a blankie, something so simple that by holding it I feel better, safe. And on the worst days I could throw it over my head and hide from the hurts of the world. Many days I am my own worst enemy. Other days I just don't feel strong enough to keep the negative out. And it cannot be denied that feelings and emotions greatly affect our physical being and visa verse. When I am sick I am not very happy. And when I am not very happy my body hurts.

Today life hurts. There is no rhyme or reason. Maybe because the sun is hiding. Maybe because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe because I am tired. Maybe because my hormones are out of whack. But today I wish I had a blankie. I wish I could be safe and hide all snuggled warm and safe from the hurts of the world, my heart and my mind.

I know I should be stronger and pull myself up. I know I am an adult and I don't need a security blanket. I know beyond the emotional turmoil I really am ok. I know the clouds will clear and all will be fine, I just got to get through. But I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be the adult. I want a blankie, just for today. Tomorrow I will be strong.

My Wii-kness

Two Christmases ago my family pooled together to give our family a Wii and the Wii Fit game with balance board. Although the children were ecstatic my family (and I) knew that a big point to the gift was so I could use the Wii Fit to have fun and exercise to lose weight and get healthy. I was looking forward to it until I tried to use it. The stupid thing groaned at me in its cute little voice and then let me know there was an error. Translation you are too frickin' big- GET OFF! I was embarrassed and bummed. I was a Wii failure. Sure I could play the other games and even got the Dance revolution game to fill in till I was light enough (holy crap that game is tough.) Needless to say I just left the Wii Fit and balance board alone chalking it up to yet another goal.

Till yesterday!

Oh yeah that's right! If you can use the Wii balance board raise your hand and say Mii-iiiii!
Woot! "Mii-iiiiii!!!" Yes oh yes I figured what the heck and tried and it WORKED! My little Mii is a round but happy girl, and she can play! And to top it off my kids were so excited too! "We can ALL play now mommy!" they cheered! How awesome! That is one more thing I couldn't do with my kids that I can now!

Sit down tight, fasten your seat belts, put your hands up and say "Wii-iiiiii" because this chunky dunkin' journey of weight loss is one wild roller coaster ride!

Another "13" for me!

I have been on a new diet program for 4 weeks, going into my fifth. It has been full of ups and downs as most diets are, but I have been having success a total of 22 inches and 20 1/2 pounds so far! (You can follow my progress if you want just click on the "I"m So Losing It" link on this page.)

I started this diet program with my sister and it seems to have rubbed off on those around us too- doesn't it always seem to be that way? Buy a new car and then see it everywhere. Buy a new shirt and see the same design everywhere. Etc. Anyway, as we pushed forward on this program some of our friends couldn't participate in this program but were determined to not be left behind and have been working hard at their own programs to lose weight too. It has been so AWESOME! I was texting with one one of these friends and she has lost 13 pounds!!!! (Woot! Woot! Congratulations!)  And we text some more about clothes and she mentioned that 13 pounds sounds like so much you feel like you can just jump into smaller clothes and then realize that (fortunately) the 13 pounds is evenly distributed so you can't jump into new pants just yet and that you have a few more "13 pounds" to go! Me too, me too! I have a few more "13 pounds" to go too.

Small and steady is so important. Small and attainable goals so you have consistent success rather than prolonged failure. No worries my friend a few more "13 pounds" and you'll be sliding with ease into smaller clothes! Me too! Me too!

Dynamite

I love this song and right now, today especially, it feels so PERFECT for my mood. The sun is shining, I had a  good weigh in last night and things just feel awesome! I have no idea what Taio Cruz's artistic meaning may be for this song, but for me there are lyrics in here that motivate me on my Chunky Dunker to Skinny(ish) Dipper path.

Sometimes you just need to "let it go"- let all the crap of life that weighs you down take long walk off a short pier.
Sometimes you just need to get your crew together and feel good- feel awesome! There is so much power in a positive attitude it is one the most beautiful things out there!
Sometimes you gotta "want it all"- go for your goal, go for your dream you really can reach it!
Sometimes you gotta "celebrate and live your life"- there is no time like now. Each day is a gift that is why it is called the present!
Sometimes you gotta "want to be the last one standing"- people will want to see you fail, you have to want what you want no matter what! I want to be at the other side of this weight loss journey still standing- standing TALL because I DID IT!

I''ve told you once and I've told you twice- It is time to live so let's go! There is a new me blooming and she is "gonna blow it up like dynamite!"

Potty Talk.....

Do you ever find yourself rating the bizarre and unusual? Lately I have been rating public bathrooms. No really. There is nothing quite like the mad dash one makes to the potty- the half crossed leg dance walk scoot jumping because you waited just a liiiiitle too long- and then you find a disappointing bathroom. I swear some places forget they even have to put a bathroom in until someone points it out and then they throw a toilet and sink in a narrow hallway and add a door. Seriously? Crappy bathrooms are bad enough. Crappy bathrooms as a chunky dunker are a WHOLE other story.

Out and about doing my thing and mother nature calls.....loud and clear, so I dash  in a cross-legged-canter to the bathroom and bummer there is no handicap stall. (Yes I use the handicap stalls- they are roomy and I am BIG.) So I dash (or crash) into one of the smaller stalls. Push the door open, squeeze in, hop and wiggle my pants down (which is hard to do when my legs are crossed) and utter a sigh of relief and irritation as I scrape my hip on some protruding thing and land my butt in the nick of time on the seat. Pheeeeewww! Now that I know I am NOT going to pee my pants and be utterly humiliated I get...uh comfortable...with one arm resting on the toilet paper dispenser which is hovering just above my thigh and the other on the "feminine product disposal can" - which I am pretty sure is what got a piece of me as I made my lunar landing on the seat- and is hovering above my other thigh. And sadly I catch my breath and even stall a moment or two. Unfortunately being a girl I can't just pee and shake (well I could but, ew) so I direct my efforts to getting toilet paper which, because of its location right above my thigh, requires me to tuck my hand between my thigh and the dispenser and try to coax toilet paper with just my fingertips. And of course being the cooperative dispenser it is and the sturdiest toilet paper ever I get one square at a time. Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. (and the toilet automatically flushes because it is confused as to what is going on because I have folded in half to rest on the toilet paper dispenser from frustration and exhaustion and to stretch my hand that is cramping) Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. (Thank heavens I didn't have to do more than pee I'd be here forever!) Mission accomplished I maneuver from the seat, first one leg than the other so as not to get any more war wounds, button up, adjust my clothes (toilet self flushes...again) and go to open the door....inward. The first effort proves this isn't going to be pretty, so as gracefully (and hopefully as unnoticeable) as possible I back up and straddle the toilet seat, open the door and kind of shuffle in a strange sort of swaying move out of the stall trying to avoid the toilet dispenser and feminine trash can out and let the door swing closed behind me (with one last flush farewell from the toilet.) I consider taking a bow, but I'm eagerly pushed aside by another poor soul doing the dash so I wash my hands, winning the battle of the automatic soap and water faucets, dry my hands with vigorous shaking, I am NOT dealing with another stupid dispenser, and retreat to finish shopping.

If I ever own a business it is going to have the most amazing bathroom stalls EVER, you'll never want to pee anywhere else ever again! As for this bathroom I give you a 6.

Another day.....another diet

I have started a NEW diet program (you can follow my progress on my "I'm So Losing It" blog if you'd like) and it is TOUGH!!!! It is a high protein, food provided, one restricted home made meal, monitored program that allows no carbs, no sugar and NO CHEATING or.....boot.....off the program you go! Yikes! I was introduced to this program months ago, but found reasons, some justified and some not, to stall starting- mostly I was scared. This is a tough, full commitment program and although I knew I needed it I didn't "want" it. In the end I bit the bullet and jumped in with both feet- the only way on this program- and fully accepted that I needed, NEEDED, something more than I was doing for myself.

I wanted to lose weight, but I had a problem. I wanted to eat better, but I had a problem. I wanted to exercise more, but I had a problem. I wanted to be more active, but I had a problem. I wanted to reach my goals, but I had a problem. I finally faced the problem face to face, in the mirror, and said "NO MORE! Enough is enough! If you really want this you WILL do what it takes!" And then I did. I realized that if you really truly want something you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I truly believe that no goal, weight loss or otherwise, will happen till a person wants it enough to do whatever it takes. There may be many paths, use what works for you, but till you truly want it with no excuses, and you believe not only that you can and you will but that you deserve it for you, it won't happen. No one can give you that. You can't read it in a book. You can't find it in a magazine. You can't get it from a show. You can't eat from a bottle or swallow it in a pill. You have to face the mirror and say "I will no longer be the problem, but I will be a part of the solution because I deserve it for me!" Any goal less than yourself is not enough. Any effort less than your passionate best is not enough. You have to give 100% of you to you!

I am almost 2 weeks into this new diet program. At the end of the first week I weighed in and lost 5 inches and 14 pounds and I was amazed, not just at the loss, but because I DID IT! I followed through the tough and the miserable and it felt great. Is it easy now, a simple downhill coast? HECK NO! I still fight to not give up, but I not only want this, I want it for me. Wanting it for my kids, my husband and my dreams of traveling, etc those are icing on the cake. I am fighting this fight for me and I am going to win!

Inside out.....

Recently some girlfriends and I were hanging out and talking after a ladies night. Three of us are "chunky dunkers" and the other used to be, but now she is a "skinny dipper", and the conversation switched to how she lost the weight, her struggles, what she does now, etc. and mind you she is packing away a big ol' sandwich and chips with vigor while we are talking!

Ok I am going to take a moment right now and just straight up admit that the whole "how to lose weight" conversation has become....um....boring and frustrating for me. Truth plain and simple- I am tired of lecturing myself to do the things I know how to do that I don't do, or don't do well, because I have allowed my weight and laziness to control my body and my life and the "diet conversation" is a friendly version of lecturing myself. Kind of like a parent grows tired of reminding their child to do the exact same thing day after day and there comes a point where they wonder if the child will EVER learn and they just don't want to say it again and the child doesn't really want to hear it either- well I am both parent and child and I have been both parent and child for YEARS! And at the end of the day when I walk away from the "diet conversation" having inevitably re-visited tips, tricks, ideas "should's," "should nots," how I can do better, excuses, justifications, admittance and puffed up pats on the back and self props for mediocre "attempts" at dieting.....well I am plain drained. Part of me is encouraged, but most of me feels like I have been standing stark naked in front of a mirror pointing out every flaw from my soul out and each and every flaw is my own fault.

All that being said I still need to share this conversation because it was an eye opener for me. The conversation began with the jealousy question "Gosh how can you eat like that and not gain weight? I wish I could do that!" (everybody laughs) And she let's us know that she does have to work it off and she had to work really, REALLY hard to get where she is now. She also admitted it is hard to be skinny. (What?!?! You have got to be kidding.) And she also admitted that she still sees the plus sized girl in the mirror and she shared the bullying and judgment she gets as a skinny dipper. (Yeah right!? Really??) She shared how other skinny girls judge her because she is skinny too and some accuse her of being anorexic- so she gets judged for almost being TOO skinny. Plus size girls look at her like "just another skinny bitch" and retail workers are rude for the same reasons. She also admitted that shopping isn't as much fun as it used to be because there is no moment like when you are plus sized of finding that perfect something that makes your butt look good, or is a size smaller or just makes you feel hot- you that perfect moment that leaves you feeling great the whole day. We asked her if she was happy being skinny and she told us she wonders if she would almost rather be big again because she was happy. As she lost the weight she lost who she was. She had figured/hoped/thought that happiness was in a smaller size and that her self esteem would grow as she shrank and that is not entirely what happened. She told us that we need to be happy with who we are and strengthen our self esteem now because not only will it not be waiting for us wrapped in a bow when we lose weight but we are going to need it to survive the skinny prejudice too. (Wow. I felt speechless.)

As a plus size person I talk myself up all the time trying to make me comfortable in my own skin. And I have believed for a long time that "if I can just lose the weight I will be happier," believed that self-esteem and confidence were in the smaller me. This conversation made me take a look at me. Am I happy with me- the person who exists under the layers whether they be big or small layers? Do I know what makes me, me? Will I lose who I am when I lose weight? I think I have some work to do, I have some self esteem to strengthen and I have a belief in me I have to put more confidence behind. Just like the "diet conversation" I lecture myself on self esteem too and I know there is an amazing person in me, that I am an amazing person with my own uniqueness flaws and all, and I know I keep that me caged in a prison of self doubt and fear. I need to let me out of prison or else big or small I will always be unhappy.

And thank you A... (you know who you are) for sharing- you inspired me in a way you may never know!

Just call me Cupcake!!!

Ok so long time no blog....holy moley! Life....kids.....super busy.....end of "this is my excuse for not blogging" summary!

Moving on!!


I am totally on cloud 9...(ok well maybe more like cloud 7 or so now since this story happened a few weeks ago, but I am still feeling the positive kick from it). WHY? Well because I, this chunky dunker, won a Katy Perry look-a-like contest. Totally CrAzY....I know, but I did and it was fun and terrifying at the same time!

Back story- One of our local radio stations was hosting a ladies night and my friends and I were there. They announced the contest and came around trying to get people to sign up. When they came to our table they had one name and between the "good sales pitch," my feeling sorry that the list was pretty empty and because I convinced and fried to do it with me I put my name down. For a week I was S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D about how to make it work and figuring out if I was actually still sane and then just before the big night my friend decided she couldn't do it, which I totally and completely understand, however now I am really, REALLY feeling nervous and self-conscious- how is a cow supposed to pass for Katy??? I thought about spoofing myself and holding a sign like "Katy after eating the entire California Girls set" or maybe just bailing......but I didn't. I came up with a costume and decided if I had fun with it and told myself it was a costume with some (a lot of) liquid courage and my friends to cheer me on I could do it!

So the night of I threw on my purple wig (hey it was as close as I could get), did over the top make-up added fake eyelashes and glitter and headed out with my girls! Driving wasn't so bad, getting out of the car and walking in- WAS. Once inside the club doors I felt a little better (safe) and then I got compliments. Compliments? Compliments!! Woot! Apparently I look good in purple hair (I'll have to keep that in mind!) My friends, of course, were awesome and encouraging. Just before contest time I grabbed a girlfriend to help me with part of my costume- the last piece, the one to put me over the top, the frosting on the ....eh....cake- and well here are some pics....

YEP.......CUPCAKES...well a cupcake bra anyway and yes that was REAL frosting!!! 

I came in from the bathroom (having gotten help with and survived and near costume meltdown -thank you- and with help only a true friend could provide- THANK YOU) and I don't think I was breathing as I walked back to the table- or tried to. At first there just looks and then "Oh my gosh's" and then cameras. I felt amazing, surprised, floored, confident, beautiful and shy all at the same time- weird huh- but amazing!

At contest time I went on stage and played it up- a bit high on attention I think- and at the end walked away the WINNER!! Wow! And I have to admit that there has been nothing like the feeling when the room decided I was the winner by applause- thank you to everyone who cheered! If I were to imagine what "fame" or "popularity" felt like how I felt this night is what I would imagine!

Later that night, all the way onto now, I still feel amazed and thrilled that this chunky dunker won a Katy Perry look-a-like contest. It really isn't all about size and looks....really it isn't!!

I'm an onion!

Me too Shrek! Me too! This chunky dunker has LAYERS and you know what I realized- that even though each layer makes up who I am I cannot wait to see what is revealed as I start peeling off the layers I don't need anymore on my weight loss journey!

I could be hiding all kinds of things- confidence, a sassy attitude, really cute pair of make my butt look awesome pants (and the courage to wear them)- who knows!

And I bet as the layers start peeling away I am going to be leaving behind not just weight but some negativity and bad attitude that has seeped into every aspect of my life and poisoned it.

Man I bet there is going to be some serious awesomeness under these layers! Woot! Are you ready for it? It is coming!

Food-aholic

Addiction:

–noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming...

 

I recently came face to face with the realization that I am ADDICTED to food. I don't just like it or want it- I am addicted to it. Some would think that seeing myself over 300 pounds would make that a big "duh" for me- but that isn't so. I know that I really LIKE food- yeah can't lie on that one- but I never would have labeled it an addiction till recently. It was not till I was watching a documentary on t.v. that realization fell on me like giant tree falling on my head. This was no sudden awareness like a warm light or even a gentle 2 by 4 to the back of the head- this was a giant WHAM- hellloooo- do you hear that, that is YOU!!! You act like that, you've said those words- you think of food the same way!! Oh heck no you have GOT to be kidding me. Oh crap.....it's true.....eeewwwww!!! 

 

"Enslaved to a habit..."  I am a slave to my food. I am allowing it to control me because I don't want to give it up or be told how to eat it- smaller portions, less carbs, better choices, etc..but WHY??? I don't know. I don't know at what point food became so important to me that I actually feel I need to protect it and not let anyone take it from me or my control of how I eat it in my life. How many times have I skipped over or chosen not to do something good for me because it would interfere with my food addiction? How many times have I fallen back into my habit undoing hard work because my addiction was stronger than my will power? And now that I know I am addicted to food what am I going to DO about it?

In my mind I know that I have to break this addiction. I have to not just be but WANT to be in control of my mind and body and that includes taking this addiction head on and not letting it control me anymore. And it is scary to say I am feeling frustrated, angry and even sad and scared of the idea of letting my food go. (what??? really???) Angry about not getting my donut or bowl of rice? Yes angry because in my food addicted mind it is MY donut, My rice and it is not yours to take away.......and that mentality is so very, very wrong. 

Food is a tool for me to live, to survive and it is not someTHING that should have control over me. And now that I see it head on I have to fight it. And it is going to be a fight- you have no idea the power a donut has (tricky little devils)- but in all seriousness that donut really does hold a lot of power over me right now. I have allowed it to become my excuse and my crutch and my comfort and silly as it may sound it is going to be difficult to kick its butt. 

 

The first step in beating an addiction is admitting you have a problem and today I have done that! I don't know what the other steps are, but I can say this- now that it is front and center in my mind it, food, has already lost some of its control.

Sticks and stones....

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Just because someone says something doesn't make it true.
If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
Actions speak louder than words.

Familiar sayings, most familiar with my childhood. So why are they coming to mind today? Well probably because last night while I was out having a great time living up Mardi Gras someone wasn't speaking very nice about me or to me. And I laughed it off. Even laughed at the person.
Perhaps I shouldn't have though. Perhaps I should have kicked the person's butt for being cruel and thoughtless and unkind. Maybe I should have reminded them that words do hurt even when they aren't true and it would be best if they would stop speaking.
And if did.......well then today I would have a sore butt and be pouting from the pointed lesson.

Yep. It was me. I was putting myself down. Laughing about me, making jokes at my expense. Today it dawned on me I really am my own enemy. How often is my self destruct on auto pilot? How much is it hurting me? What can I do to fix it? I have no idea, but I do know I need to do something.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”

-unknown- from thinkexist.com

Fitting in......

This weekend I was given the wonderful opportunity to see Eric Clapton in concert (thank you Louise!) and although I admit I wasn't completely familiar with his music I did know I was watching a legend and it was AMAZING (even for this music amateur) and I just can't help but share...

We arrived early and waited in line huddling closer together as the wind blew and chatting it up with those around us, my sister and I nodding enthusiastically (yet admittedly clueless lol) as some of the conversation covered topics and people we weren't familiar with thanks to the generation gap. Soon we got to file in and began to wander in the direction of our seats, loading up on a snack that cost more than it satisfied, chatting a little to kill time and then parting ways as two of us were in one section and the other two in another. My seats were in the upper level and so after eyeing the stairs for a moment decided the elevator looked appealing, and I justified it since we did have to walk to get to the building and we did walk around the whole arena in search of a coffee stand that didn't exist and I still had to walk back to the car eventually- so up we went. We found our section and headed up the stairs and found our seats in the almost middle of the row. So we climbed over those seated, excuse me....excuse me....sorry (all the while I am hoping I don't take anybody out with my butt) and sat down. Almost. I sat down firmly on both armrests. Oh no. I tried to squeeze in. Nope. I tried to lift an armrest. Nope. I tried to get one hip then the other. Nope. The tears began to form and I stood up- excuse me...excuse me....as I again climbed past everyone apologizing. I was so embarrassed I didn't even tell the person I was with what was going on. I escaped down the stairs, into the hall and behind a pillar and cried. I felt at the lowest of low and absolutely mortified. What was I going to tell my friends I was with? What was I going to do- stand in the hallway? Maybe I could walk around for two hours. I sent a text to my sister and another to my husband looking for help, comfort....something. And being amazing they both text back support and suggestions and love. After I composed myself I found an employee who said he was pretty sure they could help me out and pointed me in the right direction.The right direction was down two flights of stairs and back up one flight to a special ticket booth where I admitted with embarrassment I couldn't fit in my seat and asked if he could help. He said yes, but I needed to get the other person and their ticket so we could trade. So, back down one flight and up two (not quite so fast this time- pant....pant), around the arena and he isn't there. Aaauuuughhh! Back to the hallway- 5 minutes to showtime- and on the phone. He'll meet me. Great! Back down two flights, around the arena....pant...pant.....wait. He shows up! Up a flight, to the ticket booth and you can hear the opening band playing and the crowd cheering. We trade tickets...upper, upper level for FLOOR SEATS???!!?? Whoa! A perk to chunky dunking woo-hoo! (Thank you so much arena employee and ticket booth guy!) So back down a level, down another level, around the arena, down some more and WE MADE IT on the floor!! After letting my sister and her friend know what happened, where we were and taking some deserved razzing we got to enjoy an awesome concert! 

The awesomeness of the concert however did not stop the thoughts later on after we were home. I didn't fit in the seat. Not even close. Yes it is embarrassing, but even more it is very sad to me. Now it is true that those particular arena seats are pretty tight on most people- you can ask the other people that were there smaller than me- but that isn't reason enough for me to be justified in not letting this situation be a firm reminder that I do need to face this weight loss challenge head on and defeat it. This time things turned out ok, great actually, but what about next time? I don't want there to be a next time. Chunky dunking in a skinny dip world isn't easy and if I am honest with myself it shouldn't be. I don't need to feel worthless because I am fat, but I do need to own up to the fact that the human body, my human body, wasn't designed to be this big or this heavy and the world around me is designed to accommodate the average or "normal" sized human being and I just don't fit.........YET!!!

A note.."My weight loss challenge"

If you are interested in following my personal weight loss challenge I have started a blog about it and I am going to use the page I have here just for short update notes. If you are interested in following my weight loss challenge or checking out my goals the blog is I'm So Losing It and you can check it out here: http://imsolosingit.blogspot.com/
I would love to read feedback, support and suggestions as I take on this "big" challenge! 

Little Engine That Could.....

Have you ever read the book The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper? It is the story of a train that gets stranded and needs an engine to pull it up over the mountain and into the valley so the kids on the other side can have good foods to eat and toys to play with. The train is passed by a few engines who slow down but will not stop and help because they are too important or busy or old, until at last one little blue engine stops. And this little blue engine chugs up the hill "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can" until she reaches the top and starts to come over the other side "I thought I could! I thought I could! I thought I could!" and brings the train safely into the valley delivering the good food and toys for the children.

I am that stranded train and my attitude is the engine. My journey in life only does as well as the engine I am using and I must admit that my weight loss journey hasn't always used the best "engine." I have used the "grouchy engine"; too tired and frustrated to try with eyes that can only see how difficult it will be and all my failures laid out in my way making it apparent I shouldn't bother trying. I've used the "too busy engine"; so overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood and life I just "can't" make time. I've also tried the "too tired engine," the "I have other important things to do engine" and the "who cares" engine. Big surprise not a one of these attitude engines has been able to get me anywhere on my journey.

That little blue engine saw some thing the other engines that wouldn't help missed. She saw the value of those things on the train, she saw how important it was for the train to make it into the valley and because she saw that she KNEW she had to TRY! I can only imagine that the little blue engine was a bit nervous, maybe even scared. It was a BIG hill, a mountain, and it was a big train and she was just a little engine, but she found a belief in herself and trusted that- "I think I can." And she did try and she did succeed.

With my life journey I need a little blue engine- I need my attitude to be positive with a willingness to try because what is inside me is worth the effort. Yes this journey is scary and hard at times, not just trying to get healthy and lose weight, but life in general. I am facing quite the hill, my mountain, it is my time to go up and over and other side is the valley of being healthy. And there is only one attitude engine that will work- my little blue one that knows not only that I CAN do it but that I am worth trying for until I SUCCEED!

"I think I can! I think I can! I think I can......."

Call me what you want....

I went out Saturday night with the girls. We were celebrating so I got all dolled up and in my opinion looked pretty darn good (thanks sis for helping). And although I have been working on dieting and exercising I allowed myself this "free day," in fact I planned for it- so the food was good and the drinks were flowing and I was feeling happy and having a blast dancing up a storm. And then later in the night some girl on the floor pushed right through me. OK not some girl- some SKINNY girl- and her little groupie and they thought nothing of pushing me out of the way or repeatedly bumping into me- including one ding dong who knocked me in the head three times with his elbows since he felt the need to jump. (Really it is a super crowded dance floor and you are jumping??)

Truth be told, the moment came and the moment went and being that it was so crowded it wasn't a huge deal, but in hindsight it DID make me think- when you are a chunky dunker people treat you different, look at you different. They may not mean to, may not even know they are doing it, but it DOES happen. TV shows have used it as a plot line, movies have been made, studies have been performed....and it all revolves around how plus-sized people are looked at as (ironically) less of a person for being fat.

I, like many if not all others who are overweight, have experienced this unkindness and I'll even call it prejudice. Snickers, comments, sighs, harumphs and eye rolls. Treatment and words that say I'm not a person worth making an effort for or I'm an inconvenience and labels and accusations are pasted onto me- ugly, lazy, quitter, failure, stupid, ill or sickly, disgusting, etc. I must not be a good lover (how could I be, right?). I must have no self esteem or self worth to do this to myself. I am a "poor thing" who should be pitied. I live off fast food and junk. I have a fat family and fat lazy children.

I think perhaps those with prejudice against this plus-sized girl simply because I am fat need a little eye opening.

I may not be societies version of pretty, but I am BEAUTIFUL because I choose to be pretty for the long haul by being a beautiful person on the inside with a good heart.
I may struggle to get moving, won't lie it hurts and who likes pain, but I will move when it counts. I am able to.
Do NOT call me a quitter or a failure. I have tried and failed, but tried again more than you may EVER know. Life is full of trying and failing....it is called LEARNING. Getting skinny happens to be a lesson that is tough for me to learn.
My weight is not an indicator of my intelligence. My intelligence is an indicator of my intelligence.
My weight is not an indicator of how good a lover I am. My happy husband is an indicator of how good a lover I am.
Fat people can be good parents too.
I do not need pity, but I welcome encouragement.
I did not sit down one day and decide to make myself fat. I traveled the path of life and kept too many mementos.
My self esteem and my self worth are not given to me by my pants size or by society, it was given to me by the God I believe in and although I struggle to see it sometimes it is greater than even you can imagine.

You can comment and snicker all you want, but you need to know that you aren't talking about me, not really, because I am not the fat person shell you are making fun of, but I am the intelligent, good-hearted, beautiful, loving wife, mother and friend that you can't seem to see.

Just a note....

Just a quick note to let you know that I am also tracking my personal weight loss challenge on an additional page here. If you check out the column to the left <--- you will find a link to it (under home). If you are interested and want to follow my progress you can check it out there!

To join or not to join the "band" wagon

Weight loss surgery. Three scary words, probably one of the fastest growing surgeries performed in our country (if not the world) and the great debate topic among those of us in the F.A.T. club.

Last night I attended an informational seminar about Lap-Band surgery and it was eye opening. I will admit I went because I entered a contest to win one for free and part of the criteria was to attend, but I will also admit I was curious- and have been for a while. Obesity for our country truly is not becoming, but IS a big problem from ocean to ocean. More food options, less healthy food, cheap food, more machines that do work for us- so many things contribute- and although it would be easy to try and lay blame on someone else (like a big fast food company) the reality is we suffer from frequent bouts of foodus-inhandus-to mouthus-sedentaryitis. Ok, well I will I admit I do anyway. Although I may like to think of reaching from the bowl to my mouth as bicep reps (heck I'll even switch hands) truth is they aren't- at least not the kind that will help me get healthy.

So here I am at 350 pounds and seriously needing and wanting to lose weight and so I look at the options.
I can do nothing.
I can diet and exercise.
I can try diet pills.
I can have surgery.
Right off the bat do nothing and pills are out for me. Pills make me sick and I am not going to sit around and be miserable anymore. This leaves the two heavy weight champions in the the weight loss debate: diet and exercise vs. surgery. In all reality the options are actually diet and exercise with or without surgery not one or the other, but no matter how you look at it, it is a hot topic in the dieting world.

Some say that the surgery is like cheating when you should be able to do it yourself- you put it on, you can take it off. Others view it as a necessary tool to help those who need the extra help- you can do it, but this will help give you a start, maybe even a start you can't do on your own. In making the decision there is a lot of pressure and feelings of guilt or failure no matter which way you go. Kind of like after a mom gives birth- breastfeed, bottle feed, cry it out, don't cry it out, co-sleep, don't co-sleep- so many decisions pros and cons for all of them and the pressure is to do what the "good moms" do. The same type of pressure to lose weight the "right" way exists for those of who are trying to. If I use the lap-band am I cheating, am I failing myself of the chance to do it on my own? Am I a failure as a person because I need/want the help? If I try and fail at dieting and exercise alone am I a failure as a person- someone who just isn't strong enough to do it the "right" way the way "real" people do it?

So what does a "good mom" do? She does what is best for her, her baby and her family. No matter the supposed pros and con, facts and myths at the end of it all she does what she knows she needs to do to take the best care of her family. And I don't know about you, but I can't look at the people around me and pinpoint who was breastfed or bottle fed or who co-slept or who didn't- what I see are the results of the whole effort the mother made no matter the method and that is what matters. So how does a person lose weight the "right" way? In my opinion by using the method that works best for them. If at the end of it all the person achieves GETTING HEALTHY then they made the "right" decisions and there should be no guilt or shame, but simply a feeling of success and achievement!

Losing weight is not an easy road no matter how a person tries to do it and it is often full of ups and downs and ups and downs again. And just like in real life the bigger the person the harder it is to move down the road. But what matters is that the person traveled the road at all!

My Firework?

Ever listen to a song and not really hear it? That is what I have done with Katy Perry's Firework for quite a while, pretending to sing the lyrics, but not REALLY knowing them. While flipping through music videos I saw this one and since I recognized the song played it.....and was surprised and personally touched by the song. If you haven't seen it yet check out the video, trust me it is worth it.

I have a firework inside? I have something special that makes me WORTH doing those things I want to do? Yeah I do, right? It is difficult to believe since I haven't believed I could be worth much, other than a dose of humor and a great self help coach for anyone but me, for a very long time. Me have value? Me have a purpose? Me? Really?

I don't live my life based on the latest tabloids and superstar fads, but this video hit me. It made me stop and think, again. It made me face yet again my greatest struggle- finding who I am and what I am worth. I recently read, and agree, that no diet, exercise, pill or surgery will ever do much good until I believe in the person I am doing it for, until I believe I am worth doing good things for.

A firework in me? My own personal spark that will touch others lives? Me? Do I have that? Yeah I do. YEAH I DO!!! Do I completely believe that? No, not yet...but I will. I WILL! One positive step after another I will uncover my worth, or rather uncover my eyes until I can see me for who I am. And this is my first positive step...

What do I like about me?

• I have pretty eyes.
• I have a good sense of humor.
• I am good at helping others. 
• I can dance. 

Ok. It is more difficult to come up with positives, but I will keep uncovering them, you'll see.

365 days from now (give or take) ...

I recently began down the path of getting healthy (trying to lose weight.....again) with the strong encouragement of my sister (and others.) Won't even lie- I fought it- even though I know it is what I need and ultimately being healthy (and thin) is what I want. Having read all the books and tried all the plans what I am doing is not new and boils down to two things: Eat less. Move more. Ta-dah! And yes that is what I am doing- or trying to do anyway. This isn't about that though- this is about the thoughts that came to mind while out on a walk with her. Mind you these walks are not little wanderings through a park while the birds sing and the sun shines. No they are hard, move your butt, yes up that hill, yes you can do it, yes you will push, you know it is worth it- kind of walks. And all along she prods and encourages (and yes even when I hate her I appreciate her too.) Well during this walk I was getting frustrated, hell I was getting pissed. I hurt and was struggling to breath and really wanted to quit, but I was gonna do it damn it- get it over with and get the hell home. She sees my frustration and in trying to encourage me asks, "What do you want? Where do you see yourself in December?" I thought and I didn't answer.
When I look down the road just less than a year from now what I want is to be DONE, but what I'm gonna be is STILL FAT! Ugh, absolutely frustrating. Needless to say I didn't say that to her, but in that moment I wanted to give up. What is the frickin' point if after all I do, in a year I am still going to be a fat person who needs to lose weight?!? That is what I am now! I am struggling greatly to see an upside, in fact even for a moment I thought it would be better if my being fat caused me to just die suddenly. I know that isn't what I want, but for one lazy and hopeless moment it looked like a beautiful solution.
Once that moment passed I had many moments to think. Why lose the weight? What is the point? At the moment I can throw out a few things some are big and important to me, but also feel so trivial when I don't feel worth the effort. How do I find my worth to feed the effort? I don't know yet, but I know I need to find it....soon.

This is me....a chunky dunker

I have been overweight most of my life. I have struggled, fought, dieted against, made fun of, made "peace" with, hated, loved and lived with my weight as it has gone up and down and up and down and up again. My weight has caused heartache and humor. It has been a great excuse and a sad reason. I guess you could call it my lifelong "frienemy."

Recently there came a point when I realized I wasn't just "big" or "fluffy" or "heavy"....I was FAT. Plain old F-A-T and life as I knew it was no longer easy, in fact it was mostly impossible. Heck it IS mostly impossible as I am STILL fat. And in this moment of reality I decided I wanted to share my stories, struggles and challenges of being a fat person in a world for non-fat people, and in truth I hope it will maybe help someone even if the only person is me. So here it is, this blog.

And this is me:

• I am roughly 350 pounds and only 29 years old. 
• I can't see my feet if I stand up straight.
• My body aches all the time. 
• Standing up is difficult enough I actually think twice before doing it. 
• Vacuuming my house leaves me winded.
• Playing with my kids is a spectators sport. 
• I barely fit in a port-o-potty.
• I don't fit in most bathroom stalls (at least not comfortably)
• I need an extension seatbelt and an extra half a seat on an airplane.
• I can't ride most rides.
• I have to sit down to put on my pants. 
• I don't fit in booths at restuarants.
• I don't untie my shoes because it is hard to put them on and tie them.
• I can only shop in plus size stores.
• Most shirts with sleeves are uncomfortable or don't fit. 
• I've come to believe all I've got is my humor and wit. 
• When I go out with friends I feel like a bouncer or speactacle and not like a beautiful woman.
• I still have people gesture and comment about me as I pass- and it hurts- still.
• I use humor to hide the fact that my weight shames me. 
• I have to come believe that until I am skinny I am of no worth (although I struggle to change this thought.)
• There are days I hate being me. 

I am fat and it hurts and it is difficult.....BUT.......I also know, after years of struggling, that the ability to change me can be done by one person....ME....and that is my goal and that is where this blog begins.