Recently some girlfriends and I were hanging out and talking after a ladies night. Three of us are "chunky dunkers" and the other used to be, but now she is a "skinny dipper", and the conversation switched to how she lost the weight, her struggles, what she does now, etc. and mind you she is packing away a big ol' sandwich and chips with vigor while we are talking!
Ok I am going to take a moment right now and just straight up admit that the whole "how to lose weight" conversation has become....um....boring and frustrating for me. Truth plain and simple- I am tired of lecturing myself to do the things I know how to do that I don't do, or don't do well, because I have allowed my weight and laziness to control my body and my life and the "diet conversation" is a friendly version of lecturing myself. Kind of like a parent grows tired of reminding their child to do the exact same thing day after day and there comes a point where they wonder if the child will EVER learn and they just don't want to say it again and the child doesn't really want to hear it either- well I am both parent and child and I have been both parent and child for YEARS! And at the end of the day when I walk away from the "diet conversation" having inevitably re-visited tips, tricks, ideas "should's," "should nots," how I can do better, excuses, justifications, admittance and puffed up pats on the back and self props for mediocre "attempts" at dieting.....well I am plain drained. Part of me is encouraged, but most of me feels like I have been standing stark naked in front of a mirror pointing out every flaw from my soul out and each and every flaw is my own fault.
All that being said I still need to share this conversation because it was an eye opener for me. The conversation began with the jealousy question "Gosh how can you eat like that and not gain weight? I wish I could do that!" (everybody laughs) And she let's us know that she does have to work it off and she had to work really, REALLY hard to get where she is now. She also admitted it is hard to be skinny. (What?!?! You have got to be kidding.) And she also admitted that she still sees the plus sized girl in the mirror and she shared the bullying and judgment she gets as a skinny dipper. (Yeah right!? Really??) She shared how other skinny girls judge her because she is skinny too and some accuse her of being anorexic- so she gets judged for almost being TOO skinny. Plus size girls look at her like "just another skinny bitch" and retail workers are rude for the same reasons. She also admitted that shopping isn't as much fun as it used to be because there is no moment like when you are plus sized of finding that perfect something that makes your butt look good, or is a size smaller or just makes you feel hot- you that perfect moment that leaves you feeling great the whole day. We asked her if she was happy being skinny and she told us she wonders if she would almost rather be big again because she was happy. As she lost the weight she lost who she was. She had figured/hoped/thought that happiness was in a smaller size and that her self esteem would grow as she shrank and that is not entirely what happened. She told us that we need to be happy with who we are and strengthen our self esteem now because not only will it not be waiting for us wrapped in a bow when we lose weight but we are going to need it to survive the skinny prejudice too. (Wow. I felt speechless.)
As a plus size person I talk myself up all the time trying to make me comfortable in my own skin. And I have believed for a long time that "if I can just lose the weight I will be happier," believed that self-esteem and confidence were in the smaller me. This conversation made me take a look at me. Am I happy with me- the person who exists under the layers whether they be big or small layers? Do I know what makes me, me? Will I lose who I am when I lose weight? I think I have some work to do, I have some self esteem to strengthen and I have a belief in me I have to put more confidence behind. Just like the "diet conversation" I lecture myself on self esteem too and I know there is an amazing person in me, that I am an amazing person with my own uniqueness flaws and all, and I know I keep that me caged in a prison of self doubt and fear. I need to let me out of prison or else big or small I will always be unhappy.
And thank you A... (you know who you are) for sharing- you inspired me in a way you may never know!
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