It's the small things sometimes

So about a month ago I began taking ZUMBA classes because apparently I wanted to have my butt kicked in a fun-up-beat-environment while convincing myself that my spaz-a-riffic moves, were "dancing" and I was just "dancing" the weight off.

In all seriousness it has been amazing I have begun to feel better and some have even commented they see a difference. I love the fact that it is a motivational environment and at the end although I am physically sore I am mentally and emotionally empowered and uplifted!

As I go along this zumba journey there are a number of hurdles I am aiming to defeat and goals I am aiming to achieve.

This is my Zumba List:

• Attend class the first time
• Attend class the second time
• Attend class the third time.
• Make it through a whole song without dying.
• Make it through a whole class without stopping to die.
• Push through an excuse and make it to class anyway.
• Complete one song without needing to modify it.
• Be able to jump in the jumping parts.
• Be able to move through the steps at tempo.
• Complete an entire "arm" song without giving up.
• Do boot camp once.
• Do boot camp once a week consistently.
• Do boot camp twice a week.
• Be able to hold a non-modified plank.
• Be able to do the alternating one leg bridge.
• Be able to do a real drop down.
• Make it to class for the 30th time.
• Do two zumba classes in one night.
• Do two zumba classes in one night more than once a week. 
• Do two zumba classes and boot camp once.
• Make it to class the 50th time.
• Do two zumba classes and boot camp more than once a week. 
• Complete an entire zumba session, both classes and boot camp without modifications.
• Be able to try some form of skydiving with my zumba instructor, Nancy McFadden**. (This one is crazy, but I REALLY want to be able to do it if possible.)

I am PROUD to say that I HAVE completed a few of theses already. I have actually attended not just the first and second, but also the third class :-)

I have also done boot camp once or twice.

I have pushed through a few lame excuses to make it to class anyway.

But the one I am MOST proud of right at this moment.................... I MADE IT THROUGH AN "ARM" SONG WITHOUT GIVING UP!!!! Heck yeah I did!!

I absolutely HATE arm work. It really freakin' hurts. And this particular song is done WHILE squatting and  I would drop my arms rather than get out of my squat, but NOT this last time! This last time I just pushed and pushed and freakin' DID IT! Will it happen next time...eh...no guarantees because that *#% was hard, BUT I will definitely try!

The small things really do count! That was probably only 3 minutes of my life, that felt like 100, but they made me feel just so awesome!!!

Count the small stuff, seriously!

**If you are in north Snohomish County in WA and looking to Zumba I totally recommend her classes! Great energy, great dances, great atmosphere, great teacher(s)! Just google and you will find her because she is AWESOME!!

Hey You! Listen Up Already!

I used to attend business training meetings while I was a PartyLite consultant and while there we were given all kinds of advice that was focused toward our business, but very often could be applied to life as well. One phrase that has always stuck in my mind is "You have two ears and one mouth for a reason, because you need to listen more than you talk. " 

When we listen with both ears open, our mouths shut and our brains focused on what is being said rather than what we want to say, we can actually HEAR quite a bit.

Recently my body has been talking to me trying to let me know what it needed and more importantly what it didn't need, but I have been contentedly closing my ears and keeping my mouth wide open- stuffed to the brim with this, that and the other. From stomach aches to crankiness to fatigue my body begged, pleaded and cajoled and even tried to bully me into paying attention to the fact that the crap food was creating a crap feeling. Ok, correction, crap food IS creating a crap feeling.

A few weeks ago I cut wheat and refined sugar almost 100% out of my diet. I did amazing at keeping out for about two weeks. Theses two weeks were AMAZING! I had more energy, a better attitude and overall just felt good. As is the way of life some event or gathering occurred and I justified giving in to a this or a that not within my "diet restrictions." Being I was aiming for life change and not a diet plan I felt ok with this allowance and even did well getting back on track the next day. However, the door had been left ajar and soon it was easy to give a little more, then more still, on off on off, more off than on,,,and then just plain ol' off.

That isn't where it ends though. For whatever reason simply "off" wasn't enough. I left the trail completely and took a rocket ship to another planet making allowances for food that even made my happy chunker dunker side wondering "what the heck?" Junk food, fast food, too much food- all to the point that it wasn't even good to me anymore- not as a flavor, not even satiating, and yet I ate on and on and on and on. All the while my body is screaming "For the love of everything please STOP!" I have physically felt ugh, ick and gah for a little while now and just recently I stopped and actually heard my poor conscience, that I somehow managed to bind and gag, whimpering in the corners of my mind. Taking a moment to listen to my mind and body I have realized it is time to realize I have "one mouth and two ears for a reason" even when it comes to myself.

So I have unbound and un-gagged my poor neglected conscience and attempted to begin the apology process with my body and I am ready to get refocused and this time LISTEN to my body.

If I pay attention it tells me loud and clear when it needs protein, sugar, sleep, exercise, fresh air, rejuvenation and more. It also clearly tells me when it doesn't like something or is willing to negotiate when I really want something it isn't so keen on. What a crazy idea that my body knows what it wants AND that I can feel better if I listen to it. (ok, yes you can insert a "duh" here if you'd really like to.)

Defeating Fear

Methinks it has been waaaay too long since I have allowed myself to write on this blog.  My brains seems to think in paragraphs and narration, and each time an experience has come my way over the months I have found there is a spark of desire to blog and then there is a breeze to blow away the idea before I actually do it. I think the breeze is...fear. I think despite all my excuses....fear....is what freezes me in my tracks before I even allow my fingers to walk across the keyboard.

Why fear?

Well because I see failure looking back at me from the mirror, or at least I do more often than not, and I was afraid of what people would think when I wrote yet again about, just not being good enough to lose weight.

Fear of judgement. It is always in the back of my head mocking me like a shoulder devil.
"You know they are all watching you, the fat girl, eat that."
"Do you really think anyone wants to see that walking around?"
"Why do you try? You will never look like that and we all know it."
"More excuses? There is a surprise."
"Failed again? We knew you would."
"Why bother sharing? No one wants to hear from a failure and a whiner."

Writing this hurts. Reading it back hurts. But, it isn't because it is true, it is because I have created this shoulder demon and allowed him to talk to me like this. No, worse, I have fed him the lines. I have created the fear that stops me from succeeding, made it strong and given it the power to defeat me.

How do you defeat a demon of your own creating? I guess like with most things that are negative you have to eliminate it with positive.

(sigh)

Creating positive is always so much more difficult, than negative- have you ever noticed that?

Create positive....create positive.....create positive.....hmmm.

Really?? Am I really making this that hard? No....well yes, I am, because I am allowing fear to stop me again.

Ok. I can do this. Just do it. Write something positive. If you have to take it from something someone else has told you. Go...go....go....go...

......

......

Ironically all I can think of are people rolling their eyes at me as they list off the positive things they have told me again and again and again. This shoulder demon is GOOD. Grrr...

Ok. Ok. Quit rolling your eyes, I'm trying.

I am surrounded by people who DO believe me even when I don't believe in myself.
I have managed to survive 2 weeks of zumba classes (and am enjoying it, aches and all)
I have a sense of humor.
I have managed to go in long spurts not eating sweets or wheat.

Ok I am stuck at the moment, but I will think of more....really....I will!