So much time..

I began this blog almost six years ago and at the time I had great visions of great success. As I sit here and read and remember part of me feels great failure. How many times have I said "by this time next year I will be smaller and I am going to.....?" Well apparently at least six years it seems. And here I am all these years later still trying to succeed rather than celebrating success. Again.

This weight loss journey has certainly been a roller coaster ride, and by the looks of my actual weight loss, not a very exciting one, more like something you might find in the kiddie section of the carnival. Whee I am up....and down...oh I go up again...oh and doooown...up...down.....I am more like a teeter-totter than a roller coaster. Whoop-eee.

However, if I look at the WHOLE thing, all six years, and not just numbers and clothing size, it has been quite the ride! Over these six years my body may have been on a kiddie ride, but my spirit has been on an adventurous journey and has dared to go places it never did before. I have visited the realms of inspiration, battled with self sabotage, discovered inner strength and beauty, faced off with self hate, pushed physical limits, cried with my imprisoned spirit, brought light to the darkness of doubt, broke the chains of worthlessness and danced with my amazing inner goddess!

"By this time next year..." I may not have moved far on the scale, but I have traveled great distances where it mattered even more....within my soul. My very being has become stronger, wiser and more determined with every step, and where I am now is so much further than where I started.

Six years ago I believed I was fat and hoped I could lose weight.
Now I know I can because I have done it.
Six years ago I believed I was a good person for the most.
Now I know I am amazing and beautiful woman of strength.
Six years ago I believed once I lost weight I would be a better person.
Now I know my value is not a number on a scale, a size tag or a chart.
Six years ago I believed I was only worth what people thought I was worth.
Now I know I my worth comes from God and from belief in myself!

The scale may have not moved much, but my spirit has soared.....and because of that I can look back over these past six years and know I have accomplished much and look forward in postivity, knowing that great adventures and success are still to come!

The Saboteur

Recently I have been doing pretty darn well on the "get moving, get healthy" train and I am not the only one to notice. I have had a few people compliment, comment and notice the positive changes and weight loss happening in my life and it would be a lie to say I didn't really appreciate that it was noticed. However, with my success begins a new problem....

Self- sabotage. 

For as long as I can remember whenever I began to do something well or feel good about it inevitably I would begin to do things to undo that success, little by little until I would notice what I had done, or rather undone, and by that point I simply told myself "I just don't want or need it I guess." 

It really is a viscous circle....strive for success....begin to succeed....undo the hard work....feel guilt....strive to succeed again, all the while fighting the mental battle of feeling I don't deserve or am not good enough for what I am striving for.

This morning I wasn't feeling so well and was feeling a bit of a pity party full of excuses for guests when I realized what was happening...I was self-sabotaging myself again! 

NO! Not again! 

So I had myself a conversation with myself 

"This time I see you self-sabotage and I am NOT letting you get the best of me and undoing what I have done yet again!  I am ALLOWED to succeed! I am allowed to be happy! I am allowed to be good and even better! I am allowed to live this journey, lose weight and get healthy and I am so DONE with you stopping me! You can take your wrenches and other tools of undoing and just GO AWAY! Far away! In fact why don't you just cease to exist!"

And I visualized my version of self-sabotage simply turning to dust and fading away to nothing and as it faded my heart simply felt happier. 

Is it a permanent fix? No. However, for today it is a good and attentive choice that I am happy with and that gives me one more step to being free to who I am meant to be. 

Be warned self-sabotage I am on the lookout for you and you are no longer welcome! I am on my journey to be the best, truest, happiest me I am meant to be and I mean to make it this time!