Diet Graveyard

While doing a bit of cleaning up I began to notice something; here a diet, there a diet, everywhere a bit of diet. Old McChunker had a diet e-i-e-i-o!!!!

A box of nutrisystem food, packets of ideal protein, curves diet planner, weight watchers notes, miscellaneous eating right books, hcg drops, vitamins, pills, etc, etc, etc. All my past attempts, commitments and frustrations in one big, expensive pile.

I have learned something from each diet whether it be about food choices, exercise tips, self motivation, discovering how strong I can be, what doesn't work, what I hate and how to listen to my body. All of them culminate to one thing: diets do not work for me.

I do not fully commit to diets, ever. Maybe I shouldn't either. After all how great is a plan that starts with DIE, right?

If I look at the positive I have gained from each diet experience I have learned tips on what I can do for LIFE, for a LIVEt

All I Need to Know About LIVEt I Learned From DIEt

• food is an energy source; use it to run your body at its best
• movement is crucial for body, spirit and mind
• you don't have to start a new commitment on a Monday, in fact you shouldn't
• GIGO- Garbage In Garbage Out
• information is your friend
• a kick in the butt IS positive motivation
• your body will tell you what it needs if you listen
• vitamins are important
• water is essential
• not feeling great, try water first
• eating should be a tool not a habit
• surround yourself with those who bring you up 
• If you think you can you will, if you think you can't you won't
• their success is not your success, own your success and be proud of it
• success is rarely a number
• mind over matter is crucial
• what works for one probably won't work for another
• sometimes you just need a frumpy day
• there are celebrations in life, enjoy them without regret
• moderation is key in all things
• live life moment to moment not meal to meal
• don't let guilt take over
• it does not have to be all or nothing
• sometimes it is best to jump in the deep end and discover you really can swim
• if you write it down you are more likely to make good decisions
• try new foods and recipes, you may like them
• be creative
• aim for a positive goal not a negative one
• there is freedom in choices and power in making good ones
• when you think you can't, push for just one more

Friendly Life Lesson

Are you familiar with Aesop's fables? I loved these little stories with a moral when I was little. Lion and the Mouse. Ant and the Grasshopper. Tortoise and the Hare. I had them on tape and would listen to them over and over again being reminded that one good deed deserves another, to not put off till tomorrow what needs to be done today and that slow and steady wins the race.

In my last blog entry I referred to another fable, The Boy Who Cried Wolf. In this fable we learn that a liar will not be believed even when he tells the truth. I expressed how I felt like the lying boy in the world of dieting, calling again and again for help, but failing over and over leaving my "towns people," my friends frustrated with my failure. What I came to learn, rather quickly and assuredly, is that THEY did NOT feel that way. At all. 

Like in The Lion and the Mouse they reminded we never know when we will need help, but that we are always there for each other in the big and the small and that every helpful deed given will one day be a deed received. That is what friends are for. 

They encouraged me to pick myself up and get back to work doing what I know needs to be done and to take it one step at a time, slow and steady. This race can still be won!

They did not see me as a liar, but as a try-er and as someone who was in need of an encouraging push and reminder that my success is not in a number on a scale, but is in each positive step in the right direction of getting healthy. They also reminded me that the person on the inside, the person I tend to forget about, is amazing and worthwhile no matter my successes and failures.

Thank you my friends for believing in me and giving me a good swift, firm reminder, not to give up.

Mass Murder

This morning I step on the scale just to "check-in" and see where I am at. I go through my usual weigh in ritual; pee, try to more than pee, strip down and set the scale in "it's spot" on the bathroom floor because as we all very well know every ounce counts and the slightest change in location on the bathroom floor could detrimentally change the number that pops up on that scale. Then I take deep breath, exhale as much as possible and step on.

Error.

What? Is it broken? Maybe I just need to move it. Step on again, more carefully this time.

Error. 

Really?? Hmm...must be broken. Seems like an awful short life span for a scale, but maybe so. Maybe I should test it with something else....just to be sure. (Ugh sinking, nagging feeling is starting to bubble in my gut like pissed off butterflies.) Shampoo bottle.

Blank.

Shampoo and conditioner.

Turns on then blank.

Ok, maybe it isn't working and that nagging feeling is for nothing. Or perhaps those bottles just don't weigh enough to register. Hmm. Oh hell....fine. How about just part of me, like my leg.

Ding! Ding  Ding! We have a winner and a weight- which for some reason I have managed to black from my memory, but it was obviously more than a shampoo bottle, less than my full body and enough to register on the scale proving it is not only working, but that I also have managed to outweigh my scale. 

Freakin' awesome!

How in the....? Why the...? How did I.....? Well no. How is easy stupid munch mouth. What have I freakin' DONE?!?!? 

I have no idea where my weight is now, but I know it is enough to TOP OUT A FREAKING SCALE and this realization kills me. Kills my desire to try again. Kills my will to care. Kills my vision of reaching the goal. Kills what bit of pride I had in myself. Kills my self-esteem. Kills part of my happiness. I look inside and there is just so much massacre, I don't know what pieces are left and of what is left is it even worth trying to revive. 

I know I have amazing people in my corner who can help and encourage me, but truth be told I don't even want to ask. Why should I? I am like "the boy who cries wolf" for fat people. "Help! Please help! I don't think I can do this! I need encouragement and workout buddies!" They come running, because they are amazing, and then in the end I "laugh" at them as I fail to not only lose but to GAIN......AGAIN. What a waste. I feel like a total waste. I want to give in, give up and just eat my way to the end already. Screw it.

Rest in peace skinny dipper Stephanie. You were an amazing goal while you lasted. 

Mind vs Matter

Oh. My. Gosh!!

Seriously self what in the heck is WRONG with you????

Brain says, 

"Seriously we need to lose weight this whole trying to live and function 

thing is getting ridiculous!" 

Mouth replies,

 "But....nom....nom.....nom!!! Coooookie!!!" 

Brain replies (with huff and tone) 

"Come ON! You KNOW better! Eat less move more! 

Carbs & sugar make you feel like CRAP!!"  

(cue memories of smaller self) 

"Don't you REMEMBER being smaller and how good it felt?"

Motivation chimes in, 

"Remember your goals? Travel? New clothes?"

Mouth 

"Munch....munch.....is there buttered popcorn around here?"

Brain and stomach,

 "YOU DON'T NEED IT!! No room in the inn, seriously! Just stop! You will regret this in the morning I promise you that."

(moment of contemplation)

Motivation,

 "That's it! Stop now and commit to do better tomorrow! Yo got this! You want this!"

Brain,

 "Besides you freakin' KNOW what you need to do. You are mentally overloaded with know-how! SO just do it!"

Will power,

 "Well....maybe......"

Mouth,

 "Nom....nom....nom cookies AND popcorn! It's like heaven!!"

Will power, 

"Ok. We got this! Tomorrow!"

Brain, 

"Uh-huh....sure." 

I always thought I was more of a mind over matter kind of person. Think it. Do it. except when it comes to weight loss and my body. Seriously, why? I can tell when something is"off" and usually have an idea what I need to get myself back on track, like vitamin D when I am feeling low or extra water if I am sluggish. But for some reason I cannot wrap my mind around my big ol' butt and kick it into high gear!! Maybe my brain just isn't big enough for that challenge.

New year is supposed to be a time of resolutions, new starts and goal chasing and I am hiding in the cupboard behind the oreos. Why? WHY???? And this time around in particular I am feeling not just slightly less than motivated, but almost down-right stubborn! Really? Why am I mentally digging my heels in against losing weight? I know I want it. Really I do, but I just keep saying "tomorrow" and then not just throwing in the towel but eating it and the cookies and the chips and the kitchen sink and is there some dip I can put this in? I mean seriously- I have to laugh at myself in a way.

I gotta figure myself out and in a hurry and I laugh at myself, again, because I find myself actually at a loss as what to do next. Really? This is an old familiar road- ya just start walking till you start rolling and then keep going. Maybe that is my problem. I don't want to take the same road. This road keeps circling back. So how do I get on a new path? A better path? A more successful path?

....

....

I don't know for sure. Well, I probably do, but I don't want to think about it because my mouth wants a cookie at the moment. Mind over matter or not, I have a feeling there may be some matter over mind headed my way soon ready to kick some mind, matter and tail in the right direction- yeah you know who you are. I know who you are. You know, I know who you are. And I know, you know, I know who you are....that isn't going to stop you is it? In truth I probably don't want it to but -_- there is my grrrr face anyway. Be afraid matter over mind people, I am feeling awful stubborn and feisty and seem to have no issue being in my own way. And my oh my that just sounds petulant and dumb doesn't it! I guess my will power is a wee bit hormonal like a temper mental teen. Hopefully like a know-it-all hormonal, temper mental teen I will allow myself to learn, grow up and make something of myself.

Come on self we can do this. Ok, right after this cookie, we can do this!!