Cupcake Confession

It all began with a cupcake. A sweet, chocolate, frosting topped morsel of temptation in a wrapper. I wasn't going to eat it. I wasn't even going to lick the frosting from my fingers. I was transporting the small bit of heaven home for my family and then suddenly it was gone and I had crumbs on my shirt and chocolate on my tongue. What had I done???? What.......had.....I.....dooooone??? After weeks of sacrifice and hard week I fell into temptation face first and I enjoyed every scrumptious moment! Yum yum yum in the yummiest of ways!

But it didn't stop there......

Once the door was open I could not contain myself and I indulged, I splurged, I dove head first into the world of temptation and gave in completely. Even as my body began to beg me to stop my taste buds pushed me onward....french toast, syrup, eggs, hash browns, sour cream, cheese, orange juice, cinnamon roll, whipped cream, a fair gyro and an elephant ear. OMG!!! Going....going....gone! Food coma and overwhelming guilt. Guilt enough to make me feel even more ill than I already was. Ugh. Ill and guilty enough to even give into old habits. Sigh. Having flushed my gluttony away I wallowed in my guilt and pondered the situation.

Besides feeling guilt what else did I feel? Confusion. Secretly I had wanted the food to not taste good. I had wanted it to be easy to not eat it. And that was soooooo not what happened. I sat there craving more, knowing I had to get back on track, worried I couldn't and wondering "what am I going to do once I have lost this weight?" I don't want to just lose weight I want to change my life and in this moment I realized I will always be fighting my indulgence cravings. So now what? I do better tomorrow, that's what. And I did. The next day I got back on track and followed my plan fighting each craving. And that is what I am going to continue doing until the next bridge.......but beware you future cupcake....tempt me and you may not make it home to the loving hands of my children, but rather the bottom of a garbage can! (Gulp....did I really just say that? Yes. Yes I did!)

Lost my glasses......

....my rose colored ones that it is! Lately it seems I just can't find my positive attitude anywhere. I have lost almost 30 pounds and 20 something inches on my new diet program and although I am happy I feel like I should be thrilled. Sadly it seems all I can see is not what I have done, but rather I have to do. I can't see the beauty of success through the years of fat and failure. I am so used to looking in the mirror for as short a tie as possible, just enough to do my hair or make-up. Standing in front of the mirror primping and prepping while checking out my features was a "hell no" for this girl. Kind of like men and shopping- in and out as fast possible getting what I need and back out with as few scars as possible. Well now I have tried to take some time and look and I can kind of see the improvement, but if I am honest with myself all I really see is what is left and I don't like what I see......still.

However, if I allow myself to continually wallow in regret, what if and negativity I will pull myself down and that is NOT what I need. I decided a while ago this was a change of not just body, but mind, spirit and attitude too! There is an amazing person inside and she is ready to come out. So with or without the rose colored glasses it is time to get a better perspective. When I started this blog I posted who I was as a chunky dunker and I posted what I like about me (a really short list.) It is time to revisit those.

This is me:

• I am almost 30 and weigh 307. I have succeeded at losing almost 44 pounds from the time I started this post.
• My body still aches, but I can do a lot more without being winded. 
• I can play the Wii Fit on the balance board. 
• Port-o-potty's and bathroom stalls are still small.
• I still have to shop in plus size stores, BUT wear a smaller size now. 
• Public seating, booths, rides and airplane seats are still a tight fit.
• I am able work hard and push myself to achieve my goals.
• I am able to encourage others and inspire them to reach their goals.
• I am funny and witty but I don't need it to protect me as often and it isn't all I have. 
• I have realized that I am big, but it doesn't mean I am worthless. (Although there are still days that is difficult to believe.)

Many of the things on my old list are still true, but I am learning they don't have to hold me back and they certainly don't have to define me. I can define me and when I look myself up in the dictionary I want to be defined as:  A beautiful woman inside and out with a passion for living and loving life to the fullest. Witty and smart with a fun personality. Courageous, strong, dependable and independent with a great sense of self worth from the inside out.

“He who gains a victory over other men is strong; but he who gains a victory over himself is all powerful.”

~ Lao Tzu~

Where's My Blankie???

My two youngest children have baby blankets that they have carried around since they were very little. These blankets are quite literally their security blankets. They feel safe and comforted wrapped inside them or when they hold them. As they have gotten older they don't tote them around everywhere and have learned to comfort themselves without them, but they still seek out blankie when they are really hurt or sad or scared or upset.

Some days as a chunky dunker I wish I had a blankie, something so simple that by holding it I feel better, safe. And on the worst days I could throw it over my head and hide from the hurts of the world. Many days I am my own worst enemy. Other days I just don't feel strong enough to keep the negative out. And it cannot be denied that feelings and emotions greatly affect our physical being and visa verse. When I am sick I am not very happy. And when I am not very happy my body hurts.

Today life hurts. There is no rhyme or reason. Maybe because the sun is hiding. Maybe because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe because I am tired. Maybe because my hormones are out of whack. But today I wish I had a blankie. I wish I could be safe and hide all snuggled warm and safe from the hurts of the world, my heart and my mind.

I know I should be stronger and pull myself up. I know I am an adult and I don't need a security blanket. I know beyond the emotional turmoil I really am ok. I know the clouds will clear and all will be fine, I just got to get through. But I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be the adult. I want a blankie, just for today. Tomorrow I will be strong.

My Wii-kness

Two Christmases ago my family pooled together to give our family a Wii and the Wii Fit game with balance board. Although the children were ecstatic my family (and I) knew that a big point to the gift was so I could use the Wii Fit to have fun and exercise to lose weight and get healthy. I was looking forward to it until I tried to use it. The stupid thing groaned at me in its cute little voice and then let me know there was an error. Translation you are too frickin' big- GET OFF! I was embarrassed and bummed. I was a Wii failure. Sure I could play the other games and even got the Dance revolution game to fill in till I was light enough (holy crap that game is tough.) Needless to say I just left the Wii Fit and balance board alone chalking it up to yet another goal.

Till yesterday!

Oh yeah that's right! If you can use the Wii balance board raise your hand and say Mii-iiiii!
Woot! "Mii-iiiiii!!!" Yes oh yes I figured what the heck and tried and it WORKED! My little Mii is a round but happy girl, and she can play! And to top it off my kids were so excited too! "We can ALL play now mommy!" they cheered! How awesome! That is one more thing I couldn't do with my kids that I can now!

Sit down tight, fasten your seat belts, put your hands up and say "Wii-iiiiii" because this chunky dunkin' journey of weight loss is one wild roller coaster ride!

Another "13" for me!

I have been on a new diet program for 4 weeks, going into my fifth. It has been full of ups and downs as most diets are, but I have been having success a total of 22 inches and 20 1/2 pounds so far! (You can follow my progress if you want just click on the "I"m So Losing It" link on this page.)

I started this diet program with my sister and it seems to have rubbed off on those around us too- doesn't it always seem to be that way? Buy a new car and then see it everywhere. Buy a new shirt and see the same design everywhere. Etc. Anyway, as we pushed forward on this program some of our friends couldn't participate in this program but were determined to not be left behind and have been working hard at their own programs to lose weight too. It has been so AWESOME! I was texting with one one of these friends and she has lost 13 pounds!!!! (Woot! Woot! Congratulations!)  And we text some more about clothes and she mentioned that 13 pounds sounds like so much you feel like you can just jump into smaller clothes and then realize that (fortunately) the 13 pounds is evenly distributed so you can't jump into new pants just yet and that you have a few more "13 pounds" to go! Me too, me too! I have a few more "13 pounds" to go too.

Small and steady is so important. Small and attainable goals so you have consistent success rather than prolonged failure. No worries my friend a few more "13 pounds" and you'll be sliding with ease into smaller clothes! Me too! Me too!