Miserable in the mundane

Being a chunky dunker is not all fun and games....seriously.

How many activities come and go throughout a day that you don't give a thought to? Mundane activities like taking a shower, shaving your legs, putting on socks, tying your shoes, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, picking up a child, making your bed, etc Hundreds?  Any idea how many of these activities are a giant pain the.........er...........more difficult as a chunky dunker? The answer is many, too many....most really! 

Now as a chunky dunker I am fully aware of these challenges, and I get that it is a part of the whole plus size parcel, however every now and again it just gets freaking exhausting having everyday tasks cause pain and exhaustion and it makes me cranky.

So here I am just trying to take a shower and shave my legs and I am getting seriously irritated. The soap has made my non-slip bathtub mat slippery causing my leg, feet and toe muscles to hang on for dear life, while I desperately try to shave my entire leg before blacking out from lack of oxygen due to squishing my diaphragm while in what my chunky dunking body has declared an upside-down position, apparent from the head rush I am getting....or maybe that is from the lack of oxygen....who knows. At last....one leg done, and I lean against the shower wall, face flushed, fairly certain I will need a shower from the sweat I am working up while taking a shower and I debate how badly I need to have both legs shaved. Who's ever gonna know, right? Yeah, no, that is too weird. I'm in for one, I'm in for both. So I prep for round two and do the whole toe gripping, head- rushing, don't pass out leg shaving battle and come out victorious.....well victorious enough.....except now I am beyond irritable. I have achy muscles and a slight headache and all from just taking a stupid shower. Really? 

As I sulk in my room I start berating myself for being fat and for making my life harder because I am fat. I start mentally ticking off a list of things I could do better or do at all if I weren't fat and with each one I list I feel worse and worse. I checklist myself right into a frump....and now I want to feel better, so I get.....a snickers bar.....and I keep sulking. It doesn't take too long to realize that NONE of this helping, but now I am in too deep and I'm stuck in the frump muck and mire and with each step I try to take the muck of the frump sucks me in deeper. 

(sigh)

Now what? 

Well now, I have to wipe the snickers bar crumbs away and begin to un-frump. 

Yes, I am fat. Yes, being fat makes doing stuff hard. Yes, it sucks. And yes, I can change it. 

Today I am fat and hate shaving my legs. Tomorrow is a new day and I get to face it with hard earned, freshly shaved legs...and I will be un-frumped and ready to make it better! 

This was recently posted in the weight loss challenge group that I joined a few weeks ago.

I saw it and wanted to ignore it, but couldn't.

I tried to scroll by thinking "aww cute saying'" adding my little thumbs up "like" for Facebook and not actually THINK about what it was saying.......but I couldn't. I had to scroll back up and read it again.....and again....and allow myself to accept that this was a truth I needed to see and acknowledge.

Facebook has the really awesome knew feature where it pops up your "memories" of things you have posted in the past which sometimes is sweet and other times is an in your face reminder your aren't where you wanted to be when you shared that moment all that time ago. Facebook recently reminded me that a year ago I had begun working out (again) and was excited (again) and motivated (again) and as the memory popped up my gaze cast down and I sighed and I think would have cried had I not been too defeated and angry at myself.

Discouragement seems to be my bedfellow, especially when it comes to my weight and health. As motivated and positive as I can manage to be on one hand, discouragement always seems to be able to come in twice as strong, destroying my efforts and it is super frustrating!

What I have forgotten is that EFFORT means something....it means I care enough to KEEP TRYING!

And like this quote reminded me, every effort causes a change. Although one little effort on its own seems like nothing....like a mere grain of sand......many little efforts together become a beautiful sand castle!

Now could a great big wave of discouragement come and destroy that sand castle making all those efforts seem like nothing...yes, but the efforts are not destroyed, they are just needing to be regathered and mastered into another beautiful castle!

Effort cannot be destroyed, only ignored, scattered by the waves of discouragement, but they can always be regathered and made beautiful again....so long as the master artist continues to see the beauty within the efforts made.

Sand is only sand. 

Wood is only wood. 

Clay is only clay.

And then effort is applied by one who sees the potential within and 

great beauty emerges.

 Be the one who sees the potential within, apply the effort and let your beauty emerge!

Happy as a Goddess

I look at this picture and I feel a combination of pride and discouragement.

I absolutely LOVED this moment and how I felt being in the middle of this accomplishment.....and now I wonder.....what happened?

How did I let this moment slide into my past? How do I not have MORE of these moments? How have I not accomplished more to be HAPPY? How, kind of like this blog, have I let time slip through my fingers and let my happy become a memory instead of active part of my life?

It has been a long time, too long of a time since I have taken some time, rather MADE some time, to do what makes ME happy.

I could list all kinds of reasons, aka excuses, but the truth is I allowed my focus to shift in another direction. Not all my reasons for changing focus were bad and some were even bigger than even I could control, but all the time I held the ability to do what makes me happy and yet I didn't always choose to do those things. So here I am all this time later looking back at my kick-ass smiling self and wondering "where did she go?"

Well?

She didn't GO anywhere, she changed, she adapted and she grew. And I am going to allow myself to say she changed for the better! My happy self is still my happy ME, then and now! Yes, I did let time slip by and allowed myself to lose track of getting active, healthy and fit physically, but in the meantime I went on a detour of discovering who I was on the INSIDE and discovered that the power of believing in yourself absolutely radiates from the inside out and can cause amazing changes!

I took some time to re-discover the amazing, happy me that is more than my physical, but my goddess inside. Yes, goddess. For a long time I struggled to say that....goddess. Who am I to believe that about myself? Truth is I am a goddess in my own way and an amazingly, strong, beautiful and capable one at that! When I allowed myself to acknowledge this goddess spirit inside there was a strength that began to grow from the inside and it radiated outward and gave me the motivation and the inspiration to not just do, but BE what made me happy. To be ME. To be the me, not just that I wanted to be or wished I could be, but the me that I have ALWAYS been capable of being, but did not allow myself to be.

My inner goddess reminded me that I am smart....smarter than I have ever given myself credit for.
She reminded me I am stronger......stronger than I would allow myself to be.
She reminded me I am capable.....more capable than I imagined.
She reminded me I am talented......in a variety of ways.
She reminded me that I am allowed to be happy.......truly happy, for myself, with no regrets.

And as this goddess fire took flame she re-kindled my long forgotten desire.....to be true to me and to be happy...no regrets, no shame and fully passionate!

So here I am.....regrets behind me.....possibility in front of me......and a burning goddess fire ready to flame into awesomeness!

Where will this fire take me? Well from what I know of fire....it loves to go up, so UP it shall be! 

So much time..

I began this blog almost six years ago and at the time I had great visions of great success. As I sit here and read and remember part of me feels great failure. How many times have I said "by this time next year I will be smaller and I am going to.....?" Well apparently at least six years it seems. And here I am all these years later still trying to succeed rather than celebrating success. Again.

This weight loss journey has certainly been a roller coaster ride, and by the looks of my actual weight loss, not a very exciting one, more like something you might find in the kiddie section of the carnival. Whee I am up....and down...oh I go up again...oh and doooown...up...down.....I am more like a teeter-totter than a roller coaster. Whoop-eee.

However, if I look at the WHOLE thing, all six years, and not just numbers and clothing size, it has been quite the ride! Over these six years my body may have been on a kiddie ride, but my spirit has been on an adventurous journey and has dared to go places it never did before. I have visited the realms of inspiration, battled with self sabotage, discovered inner strength and beauty, faced off with self hate, pushed physical limits, cried with my imprisoned spirit, brought light to the darkness of doubt, broke the chains of worthlessness and danced with my amazing inner goddess!

"By this time next year..." I may not have moved far on the scale, but I have traveled great distances where it mattered even more....within my soul. My very being has become stronger, wiser and more determined with every step, and where I am now is so much further than where I started.

Six years ago I believed I was fat and hoped I could lose weight.
Now I know I can because I have done it.
Six years ago I believed I was a good person for the most.
Now I know I am amazing and beautiful woman of strength.
Six years ago I believed once I lost weight I would be a better person.
Now I know my value is not a number on a scale, a size tag or a chart.
Six years ago I believed I was only worth what people thought I was worth.
Now I know I my worth comes from God and from belief in myself!

The scale may have not moved much, but my spirit has soared.....and because of that I can look back over these past six years and know I have accomplished much and look forward in postivity, knowing that great adventures and success are still to come!

The Saboteur

Recently I have been doing pretty darn well on the "get moving, get healthy" train and I am not the only one to notice. I have had a few people compliment, comment and notice the positive changes and weight loss happening in my life and it would be a lie to say I didn't really appreciate that it was noticed. However, with my success begins a new problem....

Self- sabotage. 

For as long as I can remember whenever I began to do something well or feel good about it inevitably I would begin to do things to undo that success, little by little until I would notice what I had done, or rather undone, and by that point I simply told myself "I just don't want or need it I guess." 

It really is a viscous circle....strive for success....begin to succeed....undo the hard work....feel guilt....strive to succeed again, all the while fighting the mental battle of feeling I don't deserve or am not good enough for what I am striving for.

This morning I wasn't feeling so well and was feeling a bit of a pity party full of excuses for guests when I realized what was happening...I was self-sabotaging myself again! 

NO! Not again! 

So I had myself a conversation with myself 

"This time I see you self-sabotage and I am NOT letting you get the best of me and undoing what I have done yet again!  I am ALLOWED to succeed! I am allowed to be happy! I am allowed to be good and even better! I am allowed to live this journey, lose weight and get healthy and I am so DONE with you stopping me! You can take your wrenches and other tools of undoing and just GO AWAY! Far away! In fact why don't you just cease to exist!"

And I visualized my version of self-sabotage simply turning to dust and fading away to nothing and as it faded my heart simply felt happier. 

Is it a permanent fix? No. However, for today it is a good and attentive choice that I am happy with and that gives me one more step to being free to who I am meant to be. 

Be warned self-sabotage I am on the lookout for you and you are no longer welcome! I am on my journey to be the best, truest, happiest me I am meant to be and I mean to make it this time! 

Another for the list!

As you may know I have a running list of bathrooms both the good and the bad. (If you didn't, well you do now!)
I just can't help judging locations and there outhouse options and I fully confess that a place that skimps on the potty tends to get a fairly decent eye roll or two from me! Maybe it is a crappy things for me to do, but I just can't seem to help myself.

Anyway...

Just the other day I discovered a bathroom stall to add to the naughty list. I was in a desperate hurry and to make matters worse I was in need of the "right" stall. You know, the stall you hope to discreetly insult and depart from without your face being seen or at least to time your departure so you can pretend you are just as insulted by the one who would dare raise a stink in the potty room!

So I picked the one I thought was the "right" stall and and as I began to close the door and attempt to place my bag on the hook, too little too late  I discovered it was not a good stall at all! It was one of those "oops we need one more" kind of stalls. The one where things are kind of screwed into the wall scadywampus to make room for the toilet and you have to back in carefully trying not to take yourself out on the purse hook or toilet paper holder as you try to settle in to do your thing and where you skip the paper liner because the yoga pose required to reach it is not your current level of flexibility. Yep. It was one of "those" stalls.

Time (and bladder) putting the pressure on, I roll my eyes and navigate my way into position, tucked behind the metal garbage bin, partially resting on the toilet paper dispenser, nose to canvas with my purse with minimal damage done to myself or the stall. Hallelujah.

After I.... er...hem.....discreetly....and with frequent although well timed flushes if I do say so myself........complete business.......um.......and enjoy an almost intimate (as in if the  wall had lips we would have needed to go to dinner after) moment with the stall wall I make my escape.....witness free!

Needless to say that bathroom stall is SO on the list of uber unfriendly potties, particularly for the chunky dunker!

From the Mouth of Babes

Oh dear sweet, little children. These pint sized wonders always seem to pipe up in the most direct and honest way don't they? You ever want a direct answer to "do these pants make my butt look big?" then ask a child and you will know the answer, plus a few other things you didn't like "your arms look funny in that shirt too!"

As a mom I have had my fair share of moments where my children let words fly that simply mortify me as they have pointed out one flaw or another of a poor innocent bystander just trying to get errands done.

And I have also been the "innocent bystander" hit by the big, honest (and admittedly slightly hurtful, although unintentional) words of the micro truth tellers. How many times I have heard "why is she SO biiiiiiggg mama?" or "your arms are HUUUGE!" or "wow you are fat!" Talk about direct shot! And I have smiled, blushed and walked off my embarrassment, still smarting from the smack of truth to my ego.

Today, at work I came face to face with a sweet child and their direct, unfiltered commentary, "Wow, have you lost weight?"

Huh? Did she say something....positive?

"Well, yes I might have. I have been working hard."

(Big smile) "I think you have! When I first saw you I saw you were really big. You aren't so big now!"

"Aww! Thank you!"

"You're welcome!"

And off they went to enjoy their world of pint sized fun, while I sat there simply glowing!

I was told I looked like I lost weigh AND it was by a child. A CHILD, a little tell-you-like-it-is, child!

Yeah that totally made my day!

Thanks kid!