Try vs Do

"Oh I can't. I am trying to lose weight!"

How many times have I said that? I don't even know. Lots would summarize it well enough.

Trying to exercise more.

Trying to drink more water.

Trying to eat better.

Trying to eat less. 

Trying. Trying. Trying!

One thing I could win gold medals in is TRYING! 

But am I really trying? Well, yes actually. It dawned on me today that I do a lot of trying, but what I need to be doing IS doing!

Or in the wise words of Yoda...

Here it is the end of December 2013, new years eve is TOMORROW, and where exactly am I?

Well, honestly, not a whole lot further along than I was at the same time last year. Yes, yes, there have been improvements, but they were a lot of trying....and THAT is what I want to focus on.

This year, this moment, right now, it is TIME to focus on not trying, but DOING!

I have said it before and I say it again. I have the knowledge. I have the experiences. And I definitely have my body telling me what it does and does not want...so why do I still simply try rather than do?

Well try is safe. It is effort without commitment. It is improvement without change. It is going forward without going so far that I can't run back and hide behind my oreos in my recliner....I mean I did try right?

With try there is allowance for failure, almost an expectation. With try there are allowances for excuses and justifications.

But with do, there is success or....nothing.

This sounds....like a bad thing, but it isn't.

Life is designed to be lived, not to try and live.
We don't try to breath...we breath.
We don't try to eat...we eat.
We don't try to go.....we go.
Or we don't...at all.

To try is that effort we put into actually getting to the DOING part. Think about it.
I am going to try to go....then you go or don't.
I am going to try to eat....then you eat or you don't. You may not eat much but you are DOING the eating.

In my life of roller coaster weight the trying have been the diets. Diets are me trying to BE healthy.

It is time for me to stop trying and just BE...be healthy...or don't.

By doing I will:

Eat well.
Stay well hydrated.
Move more.
Listen to my body.

That's it. Nothing more. I will be living what I have been trying to do all along.
Will I live it everyday? Nope.
There will be days where I will choose to do not in the same way I do not do my laundry, wake up on time or buy a coffee.

The key is...I will be LIVING by choice these things I have been needing all along. And as something I am living they will be a part of me, part of my life, part of my routine and not mere things I try to make happen picking them up and dumping them off at my whim.

It will not be easy, but it is time.

It is time to live and not try to live.

It's the small things sometimes

So about a month ago I began taking ZUMBA classes because apparently I wanted to have my butt kicked in a fun-up-beat-environment while convincing myself that my spaz-a-riffic moves, were "dancing" and I was just "dancing" the weight off.

In all seriousness it has been amazing I have begun to feel better and some have even commented they see a difference. I love the fact that it is a motivational environment and at the end although I am physically sore I am mentally and emotionally empowered and uplifted!

As I go along this zumba journey there are a number of hurdles I am aiming to defeat and goals I am aiming to achieve.

This is my Zumba List:

• Attend class the first time
• Attend class the second time
• Attend class the third time.
• Make it through a whole song without dying.
• Make it through a whole class without stopping to die.
• Push through an excuse and make it to class anyway.
• Complete one song without needing to modify it.
• Be able to jump in the jumping parts.
• Be able to move through the steps at tempo.
• Complete an entire "arm" song without giving up.
• Do boot camp once.
• Do boot camp once a week consistently.
• Do boot camp twice a week.
• Be able to hold a non-modified plank.
• Be able to do the alternating one leg bridge.
• Be able to do a real drop down.
• Make it to class for the 30th time.
• Do two zumba classes in one night.
• Do two zumba classes in one night more than once a week. 
• Do two zumba classes and boot camp once.
• Make it to class the 50th time.
• Do two zumba classes and boot camp more than once a week. 
• Complete an entire zumba session, both classes and boot camp without modifications.
• Be able to try some form of skydiving with my zumba instructor, Nancy McFadden**. (This one is crazy, but I REALLY want to be able to do it if possible.)

I am PROUD to say that I HAVE completed a few of theses already. I have actually attended not just the first and second, but also the third class :-)

I have also done boot camp once or twice.

I have pushed through a few lame excuses to make it to class anyway.

But the one I am MOST proud of right at this moment.................... I MADE IT THROUGH AN "ARM" SONG WITHOUT GIVING UP!!!! Heck yeah I did!!

I absolutely HATE arm work. It really freakin' hurts. And this particular song is done WHILE squatting and  I would drop my arms rather than get out of my squat, but NOT this last time! This last time I just pushed and pushed and freakin' DID IT! Will it happen next time...eh...no guarantees because that *#% was hard, BUT I will definitely try!

The small things really do count! That was probably only 3 minutes of my life, that felt like 100, but they made me feel just so awesome!!!

Count the small stuff, seriously!

**If you are in north Snohomish County in WA and looking to Zumba I totally recommend her classes! Great energy, great dances, great atmosphere, great teacher(s)! Just google and you will find her because she is AWESOME!!

Hey You! Listen Up Already!

I used to attend business training meetings while I was a PartyLite consultant and while there we were given all kinds of advice that was focused toward our business, but very often could be applied to life as well. One phrase that has always stuck in my mind is "You have two ears and one mouth for a reason, because you need to listen more than you talk. " 

When we listen with both ears open, our mouths shut and our brains focused on what is being said rather than what we want to say, we can actually HEAR quite a bit.

Recently my body has been talking to me trying to let me know what it needed and more importantly what it didn't need, but I have been contentedly closing my ears and keeping my mouth wide open- stuffed to the brim with this, that and the other. From stomach aches to crankiness to fatigue my body begged, pleaded and cajoled and even tried to bully me into paying attention to the fact that the crap food was creating a crap feeling. Ok, correction, crap food IS creating a crap feeling.

A few weeks ago I cut wheat and refined sugar almost 100% out of my diet. I did amazing at keeping out for about two weeks. Theses two weeks were AMAZING! I had more energy, a better attitude and overall just felt good. As is the way of life some event or gathering occurred and I justified giving in to a this or a that not within my "diet restrictions." Being I was aiming for life change and not a diet plan I felt ok with this allowance and even did well getting back on track the next day. However, the door had been left ajar and soon it was easy to give a little more, then more still, on off on off, more off than on,,,and then just plain ol' off.

That isn't where it ends though. For whatever reason simply "off" wasn't enough. I left the trail completely and took a rocket ship to another planet making allowances for food that even made my happy chunker dunker side wondering "what the heck?" Junk food, fast food, too much food- all to the point that it wasn't even good to me anymore- not as a flavor, not even satiating, and yet I ate on and on and on and on. All the while my body is screaming "For the love of everything please STOP!" I have physically felt ugh, ick and gah for a little while now and just recently I stopped and actually heard my poor conscience, that I somehow managed to bind and gag, whimpering in the corners of my mind. Taking a moment to listen to my mind and body I have realized it is time to realize I have "one mouth and two ears for a reason" even when it comes to myself.

So I have unbound and un-gagged my poor neglected conscience and attempted to begin the apology process with my body and I am ready to get refocused and this time LISTEN to my body.

If I pay attention it tells me loud and clear when it needs protein, sugar, sleep, exercise, fresh air, rejuvenation and more. It also clearly tells me when it doesn't like something or is willing to negotiate when I really want something it isn't so keen on. What a crazy idea that my body knows what it wants AND that I can feel better if I listen to it. (ok, yes you can insert a "duh" here if you'd really like to.)

Defeating Fear

Methinks it has been waaaay too long since I have allowed myself to write on this blog.  My brains seems to think in paragraphs and narration, and each time an experience has come my way over the months I have found there is a spark of desire to blog and then there is a breeze to blow away the idea before I actually do it. I think the breeze is...fear. I think despite all my excuses....fear....is what freezes me in my tracks before I even allow my fingers to walk across the keyboard.

Why fear?

Well because I see failure looking back at me from the mirror, or at least I do more often than not, and I was afraid of what people would think when I wrote yet again about, just not being good enough to lose weight.

Fear of judgement. It is always in the back of my head mocking me like a shoulder devil.
"You know they are all watching you, the fat girl, eat that."
"Do you really think anyone wants to see that walking around?"
"Why do you try? You will never look like that and we all know it."
"More excuses? There is a surprise."
"Failed again? We knew you would."
"Why bother sharing? No one wants to hear from a failure and a whiner."

Writing this hurts. Reading it back hurts. But, it isn't because it is true, it is because I have created this shoulder demon and allowed him to talk to me like this. No, worse, I have fed him the lines. I have created the fear that stops me from succeeding, made it strong and given it the power to defeat me.

How do you defeat a demon of your own creating? I guess like with most things that are negative you have to eliminate it with positive.

(sigh)

Creating positive is always so much more difficult, than negative- have you ever noticed that?

Create positive....create positive.....create positive.....hmmm.

Really?? Am I really making this that hard? No....well yes, I am, because I am allowing fear to stop me again.

Ok. I can do this. Just do it. Write something positive. If you have to take it from something someone else has told you. Go...go....go....go...

......

......

Ironically all I can think of are people rolling their eyes at me as they list off the positive things they have told me again and again and again. This shoulder demon is GOOD. Grrr...

Ok. Ok. Quit rolling your eyes, I'm trying.

I am surrounded by people who DO believe me even when I don't believe in myself.
I have managed to survive 2 weeks of zumba classes (and am enjoying it, aches and all)
I have a sense of humor.
I have managed to go in long spurts not eating sweets or wheat.

Ok I am stuck at the moment, but I will think of more....really....I will!

Inspiration vs Motivatoin

I am STUCK. Been stuck. Wheels turn, but movement does not happen. Why? Well perhaps I need a moment of self examination.

Physically: I am still fat. Weight loss is at a stand still and if I am honest with myself I have gained back weight. One flight of stairs winds me and I ache all over. 

Logically: I want to lose weight for many reasons. I have the know how and I have been making changes, but only in small bits, not full commitments. 

Mentally: I see my goals, but I am drained of thinking and talking diet with no action and progress. Again, I want to do better, but I'm not. I remind myself I have good goals and I can do what I put my mind to, but these thoughts seem to lack luster. 

Emotionally: I am drained and don't believe in me anymore. I have the positive affirmations floating around in my head, but I don't believe them anymore. I am feeling more hate toward myself and less love. When I look in the mirror I see very little positive on the inside and outside. 

In summary: I am at odds with myself, caught in battle between body, mind and heart. I know what I want, how to do it, but I don't feel a desire to try anymore. 

About a year ago I shared that I have a big and exciting goal to focus on- Disneyland with my children in November. Here I am at the half way point with NO movement. NONE. How is that possible? Am I excited about the goal? Yes, I am, but apparently not enough. How is such a personally important goal NOT inspirational enough? Well it IS inspirational, but it is not MOTIVATION. 

I have discovered this bit of reality:

Inspiration is what gives us focus, the desire to do.

Motivation is what gives us drive to do. 

They are not one in the same!

One can be inspired, but not motivated. Inspiration gives motivation direction but not drive. Great inspiration with no motivation, no action, remain merely dreams. How many great things are buried in the "should have" grave site I wonder.  

That Which I Should Have Done and Did Not Do That which I should have done and did not do, lies behind a door to mourn
They cry in pity for themselves for they were never born
They in foolish emptiness were quickly tossed aside
And their chance to be fulfilled was infinitely denied
 The home to all these “should have” souls is locked behind a door
Here they dwindle quietly, to be no more
At one time it was a place of goals and dreams and deep desires
It had been richly created and carefully designed, a wonder to admire
 But now its beauty is long lost beneath the filth and age of time
All the wonders that could have been are no longer mine
Behind the door so many lost hopes push and bend the frame
Their lonesome misery burns inside, it is the fire of my shame
 I’ve come to visit this gloomy grave which I in foolishness have filled
And grieve longingly at that which has been forever sealed
My heart aches and I reach out, perhaps to free that which I should have done
But alas the door is locked and will open to no one
 On the door I lay a wreath of flowers, tied gently with a ribbon
From my eyes fall tears of sorrow that are genuine
Slowly I turn and walk quick away
Never to return to this burden of decay
 At last I’ve learned a lesson true
I regret all I should have done and did not do
-SJ-

I do not want this Disneyland trip to be buried as a "should have" that I regret. I have strong inspiration, so what about motivation?

What IS motivation? I think motivation is something small that builds on itself and grows in strength once in motion, like a sci-fi character that absorbs the strengths of every creature it defeats. It always exists inside, just waiting to be utilized, anxious to stretch its legs and grow.

How does one build motivation for themselves? Do I just dig deep? Do I just start? Can it be done alone? I don't know, however, I do know I am not alone. And I do know I have moved forward with motivation before so it can be done again. I remember the positive feeling, it was a struggle at first, but as it grew I felt amazing. I want that again. It can be done again. I can do it again.

Inspiration- check.
Motivation- almost check.

Diet Graveyard

While doing a bit of cleaning up I began to notice something; here a diet, there a diet, everywhere a bit of diet. Old McChunker had a diet e-i-e-i-o!!!!

A box of nutrisystem food, packets of ideal protein, curves diet planner, weight watchers notes, miscellaneous eating right books, hcg drops, vitamins, pills, etc, etc, etc. All my past attempts, commitments and frustrations in one big, expensive pile.

I have learned something from each diet whether it be about food choices, exercise tips, self motivation, discovering how strong I can be, what doesn't work, what I hate and how to listen to my body. All of them culminate to one thing: diets do not work for me.

I do not fully commit to diets, ever. Maybe I shouldn't either. After all how great is a plan that starts with DIE, right?

If I look at the positive I have gained from each diet experience I have learned tips on what I can do for LIFE, for a LIVEt

All I Need to Know About LIVEt I Learned From DIEt

• food is an energy source; use it to run your body at its best
• movement is crucial for body, spirit and mind
• you don't have to start a new commitment on a Monday, in fact you shouldn't
• GIGO- Garbage In Garbage Out
• information is your friend
• a kick in the butt IS positive motivation
• your body will tell you what it needs if you listen
• vitamins are important
• water is essential
• not feeling great, try water first
• eating should be a tool not a habit
• surround yourself with those who bring you up 
• If you think you can you will, if you think you can't you won't
• their success is not your success, own your success and be proud of it
• success is rarely a number
• mind over matter is crucial
• what works for one probably won't work for another
• sometimes you just need a frumpy day
• there are celebrations in life, enjoy them without regret
• moderation is key in all things
• live life moment to moment not meal to meal
• don't let guilt take over
• it does not have to be all or nothing
• sometimes it is best to jump in the deep end and discover you really can swim
• if you write it down you are more likely to make good decisions
• try new foods and recipes, you may like them
• be creative
• aim for a positive goal not a negative one
• there is freedom in choices and power in making good ones
• when you think you can't, push for just one more

Friendly Life Lesson

Are you familiar with Aesop's fables? I loved these little stories with a moral when I was little. Lion and the Mouse. Ant and the Grasshopper. Tortoise and the Hare. I had them on tape and would listen to them over and over again being reminded that one good deed deserves another, to not put off till tomorrow what needs to be done today and that slow and steady wins the race.

In my last blog entry I referred to another fable, The Boy Who Cried Wolf. In this fable we learn that a liar will not be believed even when he tells the truth. I expressed how I felt like the lying boy in the world of dieting, calling again and again for help, but failing over and over leaving my "towns people," my friends frustrated with my failure. What I came to learn, rather quickly and assuredly, is that THEY did NOT feel that way. At all. 

Like in The Lion and the Mouse they reminded we never know when we will need help, but that we are always there for each other in the big and the small and that every helpful deed given will one day be a deed received. That is what friends are for. 

They encouraged me to pick myself up and get back to work doing what I know needs to be done and to take it one step at a time, slow and steady. This race can still be won!

They did not see me as a liar, but as a try-er and as someone who was in need of an encouraging push and reminder that my success is not in a number on a scale, but is in each positive step in the right direction of getting healthy. They also reminded me that the person on the inside, the person I tend to forget about, is amazing and worthwhile no matter my successes and failures.

Thank you my friends for believing in me and giving me a good swift, firm reminder, not to give up.

Mass Murder

This morning I step on the scale just to "check-in" and see where I am at. I go through my usual weigh in ritual; pee, try to more than pee, strip down and set the scale in "it's spot" on the bathroom floor because as we all very well know every ounce counts and the slightest change in location on the bathroom floor could detrimentally change the number that pops up on that scale. Then I take deep breath, exhale as much as possible and step on.

Error.

What? Is it broken? Maybe I just need to move it. Step on again, more carefully this time.

Error. 

Really?? Hmm...must be broken. Seems like an awful short life span for a scale, but maybe so. Maybe I should test it with something else....just to be sure. (Ugh sinking, nagging feeling is starting to bubble in my gut like pissed off butterflies.) Shampoo bottle.

Blank.

Shampoo and conditioner.

Turns on then blank.

Ok, maybe it isn't working and that nagging feeling is for nothing. Or perhaps those bottles just don't weigh enough to register. Hmm. Oh hell....fine. How about just part of me, like my leg.

Ding! Ding  Ding! We have a winner and a weight- which for some reason I have managed to black from my memory, but it was obviously more than a shampoo bottle, less than my full body and enough to register on the scale proving it is not only working, but that I also have managed to outweigh my scale. 

Freakin' awesome!

How in the....? Why the...? How did I.....? Well no. How is easy stupid munch mouth. What have I freakin' DONE?!?!? 

I have no idea where my weight is now, but I know it is enough to TOP OUT A FREAKING SCALE and this realization kills me. Kills my desire to try again. Kills my will to care. Kills my vision of reaching the goal. Kills what bit of pride I had in myself. Kills my self-esteem. Kills part of my happiness. I look inside and there is just so much massacre, I don't know what pieces are left and of what is left is it even worth trying to revive. 

I know I have amazing people in my corner who can help and encourage me, but truth be told I don't even want to ask. Why should I? I am like "the boy who cries wolf" for fat people. "Help! Please help! I don't think I can do this! I need encouragement and workout buddies!" They come running, because they are amazing, and then in the end I "laugh" at them as I fail to not only lose but to GAIN......AGAIN. What a waste. I feel like a total waste. I want to give in, give up and just eat my way to the end already. Screw it.

Rest in peace skinny dipper Stephanie. You were an amazing goal while you lasted. 

Mind vs Matter

Oh. My. Gosh!!

Seriously self what in the heck is WRONG with you????

Brain says, 

"Seriously we need to lose weight this whole trying to live and function 

thing is getting ridiculous!" 

Mouth replies,

 "But....nom....nom.....nom!!! Coooookie!!!" 

Brain replies (with huff and tone) 

"Come ON! You KNOW better! Eat less move more! 

Carbs & sugar make you feel like CRAP!!"  

(cue memories of smaller self) 

"Don't you REMEMBER being smaller and how good it felt?"

Motivation chimes in, 

"Remember your goals? Travel? New clothes?"

Mouth 

"Munch....munch.....is there buttered popcorn around here?"

Brain and stomach,

 "YOU DON'T NEED IT!! No room in the inn, seriously! Just stop! You will regret this in the morning I promise you that."

(moment of contemplation)

Motivation,

 "That's it! Stop now and commit to do better tomorrow! Yo got this! You want this!"

Brain,

 "Besides you freakin' KNOW what you need to do. You are mentally overloaded with know-how! SO just do it!"

Will power,

 "Well....maybe......"

Mouth,

 "Nom....nom....nom cookies AND popcorn! It's like heaven!!"

Will power, 

"Ok. We got this! Tomorrow!"

Brain, 

"Uh-huh....sure." 

I always thought I was more of a mind over matter kind of person. Think it. Do it. except when it comes to weight loss and my body. Seriously, why? I can tell when something is"off" and usually have an idea what I need to get myself back on track, like vitamin D when I am feeling low or extra water if I am sluggish. But for some reason I cannot wrap my mind around my big ol' butt and kick it into high gear!! Maybe my brain just isn't big enough for that challenge.

New year is supposed to be a time of resolutions, new starts and goal chasing and I am hiding in the cupboard behind the oreos. Why? WHY???? And this time around in particular I am feeling not just slightly less than motivated, but almost down-right stubborn! Really? Why am I mentally digging my heels in against losing weight? I know I want it. Really I do, but I just keep saying "tomorrow" and then not just throwing in the towel but eating it and the cookies and the chips and the kitchen sink and is there some dip I can put this in? I mean seriously- I have to laugh at myself in a way.

I gotta figure myself out and in a hurry and I laugh at myself, again, because I find myself actually at a loss as what to do next. Really? This is an old familiar road- ya just start walking till you start rolling and then keep going. Maybe that is my problem. I don't want to take the same road. This road keeps circling back. So how do I get on a new path? A better path? A more successful path?

....

....

I don't know for sure. Well, I probably do, but I don't want to think about it because my mouth wants a cookie at the moment. Mind over matter or not, I have a feeling there may be some matter over mind headed my way soon ready to kick some mind, matter and tail in the right direction- yeah you know who you are. I know who you are. You know, I know who you are. And I know, you know, I know who you are....that isn't going to stop you is it? In truth I probably don't want it to but -_- there is my grrrr face anyway. Be afraid matter over mind people, I am feeling awful stubborn and feisty and seem to have no issue being in my own way. And my oh my that just sounds petulant and dumb doesn't it! I guess my will power is a wee bit hormonal like a temper mental teen. Hopefully like a know-it-all hormonal, temper mental teen I will allow myself to learn, grow up and make something of myself.

Come on self we can do this. Ok, right after this cookie, we can do this!!