Defeating Fear

Methinks it has been waaaay too long since I have allowed myself to write on this blog.  My brains seems to think in paragraphs and narration, and each time an experience has come my way over the months I have found there is a spark of desire to blog and then there is a breeze to blow away the idea before I actually do it. I think the breeze is...fear. I think despite all my excuses....fear....is what freezes me in my tracks before I even allow my fingers to walk across the keyboard.

Why fear?

Well because I see failure looking back at me from the mirror, or at least I do more often than not, and I was afraid of what people would think when I wrote yet again about, just not being good enough to lose weight.

Fear of judgement. It is always in the back of my head mocking me like a shoulder devil.
"You know they are all watching you, the fat girl, eat that."
"Do you really think anyone wants to see that walking around?"
"Why do you try? You will never look like that and we all know it."
"More excuses? There is a surprise."
"Failed again? We knew you would."
"Why bother sharing? No one wants to hear from a failure and a whiner."

Writing this hurts. Reading it back hurts. But, it isn't because it is true, it is because I have created this shoulder demon and allowed him to talk to me like this. No, worse, I have fed him the lines. I have created the fear that stops me from succeeding, made it strong and given it the power to defeat me.

How do you defeat a demon of your own creating? I guess like with most things that are negative you have to eliminate it with positive.

(sigh)

Creating positive is always so much more difficult, than negative- have you ever noticed that?

Create positive....create positive.....create positive.....hmmm.

Really?? Am I really making this that hard? No....well yes, I am, because I am allowing fear to stop me again.

Ok. I can do this. Just do it. Write something positive. If you have to take it from something someone else has told you. Go...go....go....go...

......

......

Ironically all I can think of are people rolling their eyes at me as they list off the positive things they have told me again and again and again. This shoulder demon is GOOD. Grrr...

Ok. Ok. Quit rolling your eyes, I'm trying.

I am surrounded by people who DO believe me even when I don't believe in myself.
I have managed to survive 2 weeks of zumba classes (and am enjoying it, aches and all)
I have a sense of humor.
I have managed to go in long spurts not eating sweets or wheat.

Ok I am stuck at the moment, but I will think of more....really....I will!