I went out Saturday night with the girls. We were celebrating so I got all dolled up and in my opinion looked pretty darn good (thanks sis for helping). And although I have been working on dieting and exercising I allowed myself this "free day," in fact I planned for it- so the food was good and the drinks were flowing and I was feeling happy and having a blast dancing up a storm. And then later in the night some girl on the floor pushed right through me. OK not some girl- some SKINNY girl- and her little groupie and they thought nothing of pushing me out of the way or repeatedly bumping into me- including one ding dong who knocked me in the head three times with his elbows since he felt the need to jump. (Really it is a super crowded dance floor and you are jumping??)
Truth be told, the moment came and the moment went and being that it was so crowded it wasn't a huge deal, but in hindsight it DID make me think- when you are a chunky dunker people treat you different, look at you different. They may not mean to, may not even know they are doing it, but it DOES happen. TV shows have used it as a plot line, movies have been made, studies have been performed....and it all revolves around how plus-sized people are looked at as (ironically) less of a person for being fat.
I, like many if not all others who are overweight, have experienced this unkindness and I'll even call it prejudice. Snickers, comments, sighs, harumphs and eye rolls. Treatment and words that say I'm not a person worth making an effort for or I'm an inconvenience and labels and accusations are pasted onto me- ugly, lazy, quitter, failure, stupid, ill or sickly, disgusting, etc. I must not be a good lover (how could I be, right?). I must have no self esteem or self worth to do this to myself. I am a "poor thing" who should be pitied. I live off fast food and junk. I have a fat family and fat lazy children.
I think perhaps those with prejudice against this plus-sized girl simply because I am fat need a little eye opening.
I may not be societies version of pretty, but I am BEAUTIFUL because I choose to be pretty for the long haul by being a beautiful person on the inside with a good heart.
I may struggle to get moving, won't lie it hurts and who likes pain, but I will move when it counts. I am able to.
Do NOT call me a quitter or a failure. I have tried and failed, but tried again more than you may EVER know. Life is full of trying and failing....it is called LEARNING. Getting skinny happens to be a lesson that is tough for me to learn.
My weight is not an indicator of my intelligence. My intelligence is an indicator of my intelligence.
My weight is not an indicator of how good a lover I am. My happy husband is an indicator of how good a lover I am.
Fat people can be good parents too.
I do not need pity, but I welcome encouragement.
I did not sit down one day and decide to make myself fat. I traveled the path of life and kept too many mementos.
My self esteem and my self worth are not given to me by my pants size or by society, it was given to me by the God I believe in and although I struggle to see it sometimes it is greater than even you can imagine.
You can comment and snicker all you want, but you need to know that you aren't talking about me, not really, because I am not the fat person shell you are making fun of, but I am the intelligent, good-hearted, beautiful, loving wife, mother and friend that you can't seem to see.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Just a note....
Just a quick note to let you know that I am also tracking my personal weight loss challenge on an additional page here. If you check out the column to the left <--- you will find a link to it (under home). If you are interested and want to follow my progress you can check it out there!
To join or not to join the "band" wagon
Weight loss surgery. Three scary words, probably one of the fastest growing surgeries performed in our country (if not the world) and the great debate topic among those of us in the F.A.T. club.
Last night I attended an informational seminar about Lap-Band surgery and it was eye opening. I will admit I went because I entered a contest to win one for free and part of the criteria was to attend, but I will also admit I was curious- and have been for a while. Obesity for our country truly is not becoming, but IS a big problem from ocean to ocean. More food options, less healthy food, cheap food, more machines that do work for us- so many things contribute- and although it would be easy to try and lay blame on someone else (like a big fast food company) the reality is we suffer from frequent bouts of foodus-inhandus-to mouthus-sedentaryitis. Ok, well I will I admit I do anyway. Although I may like to think of reaching from the bowl to my mouth as bicep reps (heck I'll even switch hands) truth is they aren't- at least not the kind that will help me get healthy.
So here I am at 350 pounds and seriously needing and wanting to lose weight and so I look at the options.
I can do nothing.
I can diet and exercise.
I can try diet pills.
I can have surgery.
Right off the bat do nothing and pills are out for me. Pills make me sick and I am not going to sit around and be miserable anymore. This leaves the two heavy weight champions in the the weight loss debate: diet and exercise vs. surgery. In all reality the options are actually diet and exercise with or without surgery not one or the other, but no matter how you look at it, it is a hot topic in the dieting world.
Some say that the surgery is like cheating when you should be able to do it yourself- you put it on, you can take it off. Others view it as a necessary tool to help those who need the extra help- you can do it, but this will help give you a start, maybe even a start you can't do on your own. In making the decision there is a lot of pressure and feelings of guilt or failure no matter which way you go. Kind of like after a mom gives birth- breastfeed, bottle feed, cry it out, don't cry it out, co-sleep, don't co-sleep- so many decisions pros and cons for all of them and the pressure is to do what the "good moms" do. The same type of pressure to lose weight the "right" way exists for those of who are trying to. If I use the lap-band am I cheating, am I failing myself of the chance to do it on my own? Am I a failure as a person because I need/want the help? If I try and fail at dieting and exercise alone am I a failure as a person- someone who just isn't strong enough to do it the "right" way the way "real" people do it?
So what does a "good mom" do? She does what is best for her, her baby and her family. No matter the supposed pros and con, facts and myths at the end of it all she does what she knows she needs to do to take the best care of her family. And I don't know about you, but I can't look at the people around me and pinpoint who was breastfed or bottle fed or who co-slept or who didn't- what I see are the results of the whole effort the mother made no matter the method and that is what matters. So how does a person lose weight the "right" way? In my opinion by using the method that works best for them. If at the end of it all the person achieves GETTING HEALTHY then they made the "right" decisions and there should be no guilt or shame, but simply a feeling of success and achievement!
Losing weight is not an easy road no matter how a person tries to do it and it is often full of ups and downs and ups and downs again. And just like in real life the bigger the person the harder it is to move down the road. But what matters is that the person traveled the road at all!
Last night I attended an informational seminar about Lap-Band surgery and it was eye opening. I will admit I went because I entered a contest to win one for free and part of the criteria was to attend, but I will also admit I was curious- and have been for a while. Obesity for our country truly is not becoming, but IS a big problem from ocean to ocean. More food options, less healthy food, cheap food, more machines that do work for us- so many things contribute- and although it would be easy to try and lay blame on someone else (like a big fast food company) the reality is we suffer from frequent bouts of foodus-inhandus-to mouthus-sedentaryitis. Ok, well I will I admit I do anyway. Although I may like to think of reaching from the bowl to my mouth as bicep reps (heck I'll even switch hands) truth is they aren't- at least not the kind that will help me get healthy.
So here I am at 350 pounds and seriously needing and wanting to lose weight and so I look at the options.
I can do nothing.
I can diet and exercise.
I can try diet pills.
I can have surgery.
Right off the bat do nothing and pills are out for me. Pills make me sick and I am not going to sit around and be miserable anymore. This leaves the two heavy weight champions in the the weight loss debate: diet and exercise vs. surgery. In all reality the options are actually diet and exercise with or without surgery not one or the other, but no matter how you look at it, it is a hot topic in the dieting world.
Some say that the surgery is like cheating when you should be able to do it yourself- you put it on, you can take it off. Others view it as a necessary tool to help those who need the extra help- you can do it, but this will help give you a start, maybe even a start you can't do on your own. In making the decision there is a lot of pressure and feelings of guilt or failure no matter which way you go. Kind of like after a mom gives birth- breastfeed, bottle feed, cry it out, don't cry it out, co-sleep, don't co-sleep- so many decisions pros and cons for all of them and the pressure is to do what the "good moms" do. The same type of pressure to lose weight the "right" way exists for those of who are trying to. If I use the lap-band am I cheating, am I failing myself of the chance to do it on my own? Am I a failure as a person because I need/want the help? If I try and fail at dieting and exercise alone am I a failure as a person- someone who just isn't strong enough to do it the "right" way the way "real" people do it?
So what does a "good mom" do? She does what is best for her, her baby and her family. No matter the supposed pros and con, facts and myths at the end of it all she does what she knows she needs to do to take the best care of her family. And I don't know about you, but I can't look at the people around me and pinpoint who was breastfed or bottle fed or who co-slept or who didn't- what I see are the results of the whole effort the mother made no matter the method and that is what matters. So how does a person lose weight the "right" way? In my opinion by using the method that works best for them. If at the end of it all the person achieves GETTING HEALTHY then they made the "right" decisions and there should be no guilt or shame, but simply a feeling of success and achievement!
Losing weight is not an easy road no matter how a person tries to do it and it is often full of ups and downs and ups and downs again. And just like in real life the bigger the person the harder it is to move down the road. But what matters is that the person traveled the road at all!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My Firework?
I have a firework inside? I have something special that makes me WORTH doing those things I want to do? Yeah I do, right? It is difficult to believe since I haven't believed I could be worth much, other than a dose of humor and a great self help coach for anyone but me, for a very long time. Me have value? Me have a purpose? Me? Really?
I don't live my life based on the latest tabloids and superstar fads, but this video hit me. It made me stop and think, again. It made me face yet again my greatest struggle- finding who I am and what I am worth. I recently read, and agree, that no diet, exercise, pill or surgery will ever do much good until I believe in the person I am doing it for, until I believe I am worth doing good things for.
A firework in me? My own personal spark that will touch others lives? Me? Do I have that? Yeah I do. YEAH I DO!!! Do I completely believe that? No, not yet...but I will. I WILL! One positive step after another I will uncover my worth, or rather uncover my eyes until I can see me for who I am. And this is my first positive step...
What do I like about me?
- I have pretty eyes.
- I have a good sense of humor.
- I am good at helping others.
- I can dance.
365 days from now (give or take) ...
I recently began down the path of getting healthy (trying to lose weight.....again) with the strong encouragement of my sister (and others.) Won't even lie- I fought it- even though I know it is what I need and ultimately being healthy (and thin) is what I want. Having read all the books and tried all the plans what I am doing is not new and boils down to two things: Eat less. Move more. Ta-dah! And yes that is what I am doing- or trying to do anyway. This isn't about that though- this is about the thoughts that came to mind while out on a walk with her. Mind you these walks are not little wanderings through a park while the birds sing and the sun shines. No they are hard, move your butt, yes up that hill, yes you can do it, yes you will push, you know it is worth it- kind of walks. And all along she prods and encourages (and yes even when I hate her I appreciate her too.) Well during this walk I was getting frustrated, hell I was getting pissed. I hurt and was struggling to breath and really wanted to quit, but I was gonna do it damn it- get it over with and get the hell home. She sees my frustration and in trying to encourage me asks, "What do you want? Where do you see yourself in December?" I thought and I didn't answer.
When I look down the road just less than a year from now what I want is to be DONE, but what I'm gonna be is STILL FAT! Ugh, absolutely frustrating. Needless to say I didn't say that to her, but in that moment I wanted to give up. What is the frickin' point if after all I do, in a year I am still going to be a fat person who needs to lose weight?!? That is what I am now! I am struggling greatly to see an upside, in fact even for a moment I thought it would be better if my being fat caused me to just die suddenly. I know that isn't what I want, but for one lazy and hopeless moment it looked like a beautiful solution.
Once that moment passed I had many moments to think. Why lose the weight? What is the point? At the moment I can throw out a few things some are big and important to me, but also feel so trivial when I don't feel worth the effort. How do I find my worth to feed the effort? I don't know yet, but I know I need to find it....soon.
When I look down the road just less than a year from now what I want is to be DONE, but what I'm gonna be is STILL FAT! Ugh, absolutely frustrating. Needless to say I didn't say that to her, but in that moment I wanted to give up. What is the frickin' point if after all I do, in a year I am still going to be a fat person who needs to lose weight?!? That is what I am now! I am struggling greatly to see an upside, in fact even for a moment I thought it would be better if my being fat caused me to just die suddenly. I know that isn't what I want, but for one lazy and hopeless moment it looked like a beautiful solution.
Once that moment passed I had many moments to think. Why lose the weight? What is the point? At the moment I can throw out a few things some are big and important to me, but also feel so trivial when I don't feel worth the effort. How do I find my worth to feed the effort? I don't know yet, but I know I need to find it....soon.
Monday, January 17, 2011
This is me....a chunky dunker
I have been overweight most of my life. I have struggled, fought, dieted against, made fun of, made "peace" with, hated, loved and lived with my weight as it has gone up and down and up and down and up again. My weight has caused heartache and humor. It has been a great excuse and a sad reason. I guess you could call it my lifelong "frienemy."
Recently there came a point when I realized I wasn't just "big" or "fluffy" or "heavy"....I was FAT. Plain old F-A-T and life as I knew it was no longer easy, in fact it was mostly impossible. Heck it IS mostly impossible as I am STILL fat. And in this moment of reality I decided I wanted to share my stories, struggles and challenges of being a fat person in a world for non-fat people, and in truth I hope it will maybe help someone even if the only person is me. So here it is, this blog.
And this is me:
I am fat and it hurts and it is difficult.....BUT.......I also know, after years of struggling, that the ability to change me can be done by one person....ME....and that is my goal and that is where this blog begins.
Recently there came a point when I realized I wasn't just "big" or "fluffy" or "heavy"....I was FAT. Plain old F-A-T and life as I knew it was no longer easy, in fact it was mostly impossible. Heck it IS mostly impossible as I am STILL fat. And in this moment of reality I decided I wanted to share my stories, struggles and challenges of being a fat person in a world for non-fat people, and in truth I hope it will maybe help someone even if the only person is me. So here it is, this blog.
And this is me:
- I am roughly 350 pounds and only 29 years old.
- I can't see my feet if I stand up straight.
- My body aches all the time.
- Standing up is difficult enough I actually think twice before doing it.
- Vacuuming my house leaves me winded.
- Playing with my kids is a spectators sport.
- I barely fit in a port-o-potty.
- I don't fit in most bathroom stalls (at least not comfortably)
- I need an extension seatbelt and an extra half a seat on an airplane.
- I can't ride most rides.
- I have to sit down to put on my pants.
- I don't fit in booths at restuarants.
- I don't untie my shoes because it is hard to put them on and tie them.
- I can only shop in plus size stores.
- Most shirts with sleeves are uncomfortable or don't fit.
- I've come to believe all I've got is my humor and wit.
- When I go out with friends I feel like a bouncer or speactacle and not like a beautiful woman.
- I still have people gesture and comment about me as I pass- and it hurts- still.
- I use humor to hide the fact that my weight shames me.
- I have to come believe that until I am skinny I am of no worth (although I struggle to change this thought.)
- There are days I hate being me.
I am fat and it hurts and it is difficult.....BUT.......I also know, after years of struggling, that the ability to change me can be done by one person....ME....and that is my goal and that is where this blog begins.
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