365 days from now (give or take) ...

I recently began down the path of getting healthy (trying to lose weight.....again) with the strong encouragement of my sister (and others.) Won't even lie- I fought it- even though I know it is what I need and ultimately being healthy (and thin) is what I want. Having read all the books and tried all the plans what I am doing is not new and boils down to two things: Eat less. Move more. Ta-dah! And yes that is what I am doing- or trying to do anyway. This isn't about that though- this is about the thoughts that came to mind while out on a walk with her. Mind you these walks are not little wanderings through a park while the birds sing and the sun shines. No they are hard, move your butt, yes up that hill, yes you can do it, yes you will push, you know it is worth it- kind of walks. And all along she prods and encourages (and yes even when I hate her I appreciate her too.) Well during this walk I was getting frustrated, hell I was getting pissed. I hurt and was struggling to breath and really wanted to quit, but I was gonna do it damn it- get it over with and get the hell home. She sees my frustration and in trying to encourage me asks, "What do you want? Where do you see yourself in December?" I thought and I didn't answer.
When I look down the road just less than a year from now what I want is to be DONE, but what I'm gonna be is STILL FAT! Ugh, absolutely frustrating. Needless to say I didn't say that to her, but in that moment I wanted to give up. What is the frickin' point if after all I do, in a year I am still going to be a fat person who needs to lose weight?!? That is what I am now! I am struggling greatly to see an upside, in fact even for a moment I thought it would be better if my being fat caused me to just die suddenly. I know that isn't what I want, but for one lazy and hopeless moment it looked like a beautiful solution.
Once that moment passed I had many moments to think. Why lose the weight? What is the point? At the moment I can throw out a few things some are big and important to me, but also feel so trivial when I don't feel worth the effort. How do I find my worth to feed the effort? I don't know yet, but I know I need to find it....soon.