Still Normal

Recently went through my ever-fun yearly exam and after strong encouragement form my doc followed up with my specialist regarding my heart-lung-not quite sure what it is issue because my heart murmur was "concerning." This was a two appointment procedure, that included an hour long ultrasound and a 2 hour drive in snow (with Seattle drivers-ugh) to find out...everything is normal. Yeah.

Am I complaining? Eh....no, not really. I mean who wants to be sick, right? On the other hand it is pretty frustrating feeling "not well" in the body- you know that "I'm just off, but don't know why feeling," without fully knowing WHY. I mean there has to be a why right?

Yeah....I guess there is a why....check the mirror chunky dunker.

Ok, ok. That was a bit harsh on myself, but I really should face facts. Do I have a heart valve narrow artery-heart to lung-thingy-ma-bober that contributes to my symptoms? Yes. Would losing, well rather RE-losing and then continuing to lose, weight help no matter what? Yes.

So moral of my story....time to lose some freaking weight. The holidays are nearing an end and the excuses need to too. For health, for travel, for myself, for kids, for sexiness, for the hell of it...it just has to happen, normal or not.

Countdown is ON...for real this time

It never ceases to amaze and slightly depress me how year after year, although I have done my best to convince myself I have "really tried," that I am in the same weight conundrum. It usually starts with Halloween as I pout longingly at cute costume ideas and tell myself "next year, definitely next year!" And then as the year comes to an end and it is time for New year resolutions, again, I tell myself "this year is your year! No excuses!" Well if they aren't excuses they must cousins to them because they manage to do the same thing as excuses- negotiate my will power meter into empty. I don't know why no one has made a Captain Couch comic book because I swear it is one of the most powerful things on earth, capable of keeping fully capable bodies from accomplishing anything for vast amounts of time! Now that must be a super power!

Excuses and super power couches aside time is moving forward and I face yet another traveling deadline. November 2013 (if we survive the Mayan end of the world) is a BIG family reunion in California. Not only does that mean travel and seeing family, but it also means the long talked about Disneyland trip. Quite a few times I have mentioned Disneyland in this blog and my desire to be able to not only take my children, but to actually be able to ride the rides with them, and here it is fast approaching my door. Yikes!

Is time yet again to jump in with both feet strapped tightly to my will power! And I find myself hesitating. Yes, hesitating. Why you ask? This is the goal I have been aiming for and it has a deadline, so what better motivation do I have? What could possibly be causing me pause? Well. Truth? Diet fatigue. Diets come and diets go. Success varies and failure always seems to linger. Two steps forward, one step back....dieting is the longest freaking staircase in the world it seems. If I look back over my life it has revolved around a diet- starting one, trying one, looking into one recovering from one- for over 20 years!! 20 years of doing the diet tango.....and well the thought is simply.....exhausting.

So here I am on the precipice of doing it again and I hesitate.

Do I really WANT to do this again?

Am I happy enough as is and perhaps it is time to say screw it, why try?

Will I be losing for me? For health? for someone else? For the hell of it?

Pardon the pun, but this is truly food for thought. Since I have been on this journey I have discovered and said again and again this can't be about diet, it has to be about life, MY life and living it the way I want it. So I must pause and ask: What do I want for my life? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? How am I going to get there? Why do I want it and why have I kept myself from it if it is what I want?

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If I truly think about it I want to be able to live my life freely, able to do the things I love and want to do without being hindered by myself. I want to be able to say "yes I can do that" without hesitation. I want to look and feel attractive. I want to be the person who lives her life as fully as possible in a confident way. And I want it because I want to feel happy. Life is so short and needs to be enjoyed fully- each moment big or small. My weight doesn't just keep me from activities, it steals part of my happiness and joy. It takes a beautiful and happy part of me and shrivels it into a sad and bitter remnant leaving me feeling incomplete and sad. So why, if my spirit by nature is happy and full of hope and love, do I allow this? I don't know. I do know that it IS in my abilities to do something about it. Not only am I able, but I.......WANT to.

YES. I want to. I want to do the diet tango, but more than that I want to finish the dance.

As I look over the precipice I know I need to take this journey better than I ever have. I need to bring all I have learned, all my successes, all my failures, all my hope, all my fear and use it all to make the most of this trip on this journey. Will I succeed? I don't know, but I am DAMN SURE gonna try because as exhausted as I may be I want my life!

So let the countdown begin.....345 days......and counting....

Long Time No Blog...

Tis been a long time since I have blogged and I totally miss it. So I am back at it as best I can!!! It has been a crazy summer and the roller coaster of life has really tossed me about, so I have quite a few blogs ready to burst, however all in good time, all in good time! Keep your eyes posted for more to come!

Resolutions to Sunsets

Wow! So I survived....ok enjoyed....the holidays and made it through the worst of it not too terribly damaged aka having gained too much weight. I knew I would very likely would and I did although the 10 pounds isn't too bad and I know I can have things back under control as soon as I put in the effort.

And here we are at the New Year. A time of resolutions and new beginnings! Some poo-poo resolutions saying they are nothing more than empty promises to ourselves that we will never keep. I want to share an email that I wrote in the new year to a home business team I was building. I have edited the letter a bit so it will fit this blog:

2011 is soon behind us and the beginning of a new year is here! It is the time of RESOLUTIONS!

A resolution defined is "something that is resolved" and resolved defined is "to deal with successfully." Interestingly "courage" and "decide" are synonym words that are referred to in reference to the words resolution and resolve. Hmmmmm... So in the new year we courageously decide to deal successfully with things in our lives that we want to improve or change! WOW!

NOW is the perfect time to take a look at life and to make resolutions- to decide to succeed- and put the steps into place.

What do you want to "deal with successfully" in your life? What can you DECIDE to do? What challenges do you need to take COURAGE in and face to better SUCCEED in your life challenges? 

Remember if you share your goals you are MORE likely to achieve them because you are committed and those who share your dreams are committed to support you!

Remember to keep your dreams realistic and achieve-able. Give yourself numbers and a due date!

Put your dreams in front of you ALL the time. Make a poster. Change your screen saver or background. Write on your mirror. Whatever it takes to remind yourself over and over of what you have "decided to deal with successfully!" And remember that you are WORTH your dreams and that you DO deserve it!

In this new year I am ready to deal successfully with my health and my life from the inside out. I have felt for a while that this year is the year to truly discover and believe in my worth and that everything else I am striving for physically, etc will fall into place when I fully embrace who I have been created to be. My brain is full to the brim with the knowledge of dieting and exercising and getting healthy. I know how to apply it and have done so successfully- this is not new to me, or I imagine to many people on a weight loss journey.

Do you know this scene from Mr. Holland's Opus? It is the one where he gets through to Gertrude Lange a student in his class struggling to play her clarinet, but wanting to desperately. In this scene he helps her discover the music is within her she just hasn't trusted it.

I know the "notes on the page" of dieting, but I have not learned that I can "play the sunset" with my life. In truth I still struggle to find the thing in my life that IS my "sunset." I have lost sight of where this journey was supposed to be fun, not because it would be easy, but because of how much I will gain from the success.

My resolution, my thing I have decided to deal with successfully is, finding my "sunset" and living it, turning the "notes on the page" that I know into habits that I trust and living this with the fun and beauty it is full of!

I am ready for you 2012 are you ready for me?