It never ceases to amaze and slightly depress me how year after year, although I have done my best to convince myself I have "really tried," that I am in the same weight conundrum. It usually starts with Halloween as I pout longingly at cute costume ideas and tell myself "next year, definitely next year!" And then as the year comes to an end and it is time for New year resolutions, again, I tell myself "this year is your year! No excuses!" Well if they aren't excuses they must cousins to them because they manage to do the same thing as excuses- negotiate my will power meter into empty. I don't know why no one has made a Captain Couch comic book because I swear it is one of the most powerful things on earth, capable of keeping fully capable bodies from accomplishing anything for vast amounts of time! Now that must be a super power!
Excuses and super power couches aside time is moving forward and I face yet another traveling deadline. November 2013 (if we survive the Mayan end of the world) is a BIG family reunion in California. Not only does that mean travel and seeing family, but it also means the long talked about Disneyland trip. Quite a few times I have mentioned Disneyland in this blog and my desire to be able to not only take my children, but to actually be able to ride the rides with them, and here it is fast approaching my door. Yikes!
Is time yet again to jump in with both feet strapped tightly to my will power! And I find myself hesitating. Yes, hesitating. Why you ask? This is the goal I have been aiming for and it has a deadline, so what better motivation do I have? What could possibly be causing me pause? Well. Truth? Diet fatigue. Diets come and diets go. Success varies and failure always seems to linger. Two steps forward, one step back....dieting is the longest freaking staircase in the world it seems. If I look back over my life it has revolved around a diet- starting one, trying one, looking into one recovering from one- for over 20 years!! 20 years of doing the diet tango.....and well the thought is simply.....exhausting.
So here I am on the precipice of doing it again and I hesitate.
Do I really WANT to do this again?
Am I happy enough as is and perhaps it is time to say screw it, why try?
Will I be losing for me? For health? for someone else? For the hell of it?
Pardon the pun, but this is truly food for thought. Since I have been on this journey I have discovered and said again and again this can't be about diet, it has to be about life, MY life and living it the way I want it. So I must pause and ask: What do I want for my life? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? How am I going to get there? Why do I want it and why have I kept myself from it if it is what I want?
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If I truly think about it I want to be able to live my life freely, able to do the things I love and want to do without being hindered by myself. I want to be able to say "yes I can do that" without hesitation. I want to look and feel attractive. I want to be the person who lives her life as fully as possible in a confident way. And I want it because I want to feel happy. Life is so short and needs to be enjoyed fully- each moment big or small. My weight doesn't just keep me from activities, it steals part of my happiness and joy. It takes a beautiful and happy part of me and shrivels it into a sad and bitter remnant leaving me feeling incomplete and sad. So why, if my spirit by nature is happy and full of hope and love, do I allow this? I don't know. I do know that it IS in my abilities to do something about it. Not only am I able, but I.......WANT to.
YES. I want to. I want to do the diet tango, but more than that I want to finish the dance.
As I look over the precipice I know I need to take this journey better than I ever have. I need to bring all I have learned, all my successes, all my failures, all my hope, all my fear and use it all to make the most of this trip on this journey. Will I succeed? I don't know, but I am DAMN SURE gonna try because as exhausted as I may be I want my life!
So let the countdown begin.....345 days......and counting....
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