I'm an onion!

Me too Shrek! Me too! This chunky dunker has LAYERS and you know what I realized- that even though each layer makes up who I am I cannot wait to see what is revealed as I start peeling off the layers I don't need anymore on my weight loss journey!

I could be hiding all kinds of things- confidence, a sassy attitude, really cute pair of make my butt look awesome pants (and the courage to wear them)- who knows!

And I bet as the layers start peeling away I am going to be leaving behind not just weight but some negativity and bad attitude that has seeped into every aspect of my life and poisoned it.

Man I bet there is going to be some serious awesomeness under these layers! Woot! Are you ready for it? It is coming!

Food-aholic

Addiction:

–noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming...

 

I recently came face to face with the realization that I am ADDICTED to food. I don't just like it or want it- I am addicted to it. Some would think that seeing myself over 300 pounds would make that a big "duh" for me- but that isn't so. I know that I really LIKE food- yeah can't lie on that one- but I never would have labeled it an addiction till recently. It was not till I was watching a documentary on t.v. that realization fell on me like giant tree falling on my head. This was no sudden awareness like a warm light or even a gentle 2 by 4 to the back of the head- this was a giant WHAM- hellloooo- do you hear that, that is YOU!!! You act like that, you've said those words- you think of food the same way!! Oh heck no you have GOT to be kidding me. Oh crap.....it's true.....eeewwwww!!! 

 

"Enslaved to a habit..."  I am a slave to my food. I am allowing it to control me because I don't want to give it up or be told how to eat it- smaller portions, less carbs, better choices, etc..but WHY??? I don't know. I don't know at what point food became so important to me that I actually feel I need to protect it and not let anyone take it from me or my control of how I eat it in my life. How many times have I skipped over or chosen not to do something good for me because it would interfere with my food addiction? How many times have I fallen back into my habit undoing hard work because my addiction was stronger than my will power? And now that I know I am addicted to food what am I going to DO about it?

In my mind I know that I have to break this addiction. I have to not just be but WANT to be in control of my mind and body and that includes taking this addiction head on and not letting it control me anymore. And it is scary to say I am feeling frustrated, angry and even sad and scared of the idea of letting my food go. (what??? really???) Angry about not getting my donut or bowl of rice? Yes angry because in my food addicted mind it is MY donut, My rice and it is not yours to take away.......and that mentality is so very, very wrong. 

Food is a tool for me to live, to survive and it is not someTHING that should have control over me. And now that I see it head on I have to fight it. And it is going to be a fight- you have no idea the power a donut has (tricky little devils)- but in all seriousness that donut really does hold a lot of power over me right now. I have allowed it to become my excuse and my crutch and my comfort and silly as it may sound it is going to be difficult to kick its butt. 

 

The first step in beating an addiction is admitting you have a problem and today I have done that! I don't know what the other steps are, but I can say this- now that it is front and center in my mind it, food, has already lost some of its control.

Sticks and stones....

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Just because someone says something doesn't make it true.
If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
Actions speak louder than words.

Familiar sayings, most familiar with my childhood. So why are they coming to mind today? Well probably because last night while I was out having a great time living up Mardi Gras someone wasn't speaking very nice about me or to me. And I laughed it off. Even laughed at the person.
Perhaps I shouldn't have though. Perhaps I should have kicked the person's butt for being cruel and thoughtless and unkind. Maybe I should have reminded them that words do hurt even when they aren't true and it would be best if they would stop speaking.
And if did.......well then today I would have a sore butt and be pouting from the pointed lesson.

Yep. It was me. I was putting myself down. Laughing about me, making jokes at my expense. Today it dawned on me I really am my own enemy. How often is my self destruct on auto pilot? How much is it hurting me? What can I do to fix it? I have no idea, but I do know I need to do something.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”

-unknown- from thinkexist.com