Dynamite

I love this song and right now, today especially, it feels so PERFECT for my mood. The sun is shining, I had a  good weigh in last night and things just feel awesome! I have no idea what Taio Cruz's artistic meaning may be for this song, but for me there are lyrics in here that motivate me on my Chunky Dunker to Skinny(ish) Dipper path.

Sometimes you just need to "let it go"- let all the crap of life that weighs you down take long walk off a short pier.
Sometimes you just need to get your crew together and feel good- feel awesome! There is so much power in a positive attitude it is one the most beautiful things out there!
Sometimes you gotta "want it all"- go for your goal, go for your dream you really can reach it!
Sometimes you gotta "celebrate and live your life"- there is no time like now. Each day is a gift that is why it is called the present!
Sometimes you gotta "want to be the last one standing"- people will want to see you fail, you have to want what you want no matter what! I want to be at the other side of this weight loss journey still standing- standing TALL because I DID IT!

I''ve told you once and I've told you twice- It is time to live so let's go! There is a new me blooming and she is "gonna blow it up like dynamite!"

Potty Talk.....

Do you ever find yourself rating the bizarre and unusual? Lately I have been rating public bathrooms. No really. There is nothing quite like the mad dash one makes to the potty- the half crossed leg dance walk scoot jumping because you waited just a liiiiitle too long- and then you find a disappointing bathroom. I swear some places forget they even have to put a bathroom in until someone points it out and then they throw a toilet and sink in a narrow hallway and add a door. Seriously? Crappy bathrooms are bad enough. Crappy bathrooms as a chunky dunker are a WHOLE other story.

Out and about doing my thing and mother nature calls.....loud and clear, so I dash  in a cross-legged-canter to the bathroom and bummer there is no handicap stall. (Yes I use the handicap stalls- they are roomy and I am BIG.) So I dash (or crash) into one of the smaller stalls. Push the door open, squeeze in, hop and wiggle my pants down (which is hard to do when my legs are crossed) and utter a sigh of relief and irritation as I scrape my hip on some protruding thing and land my butt in the nick of time on the seat. Pheeeeewww! Now that I know I am NOT going to pee my pants and be utterly humiliated I get...uh comfortable...with one arm resting on the toilet paper dispenser which is hovering just above my thigh and the other on the "feminine product disposal can" - which I am pretty sure is what got a piece of me as I made my lunar landing on the seat- and is hovering above my other thigh. And sadly I catch my breath and even stall a moment or two. Unfortunately being a girl I can't just pee and shake (well I could but, ew) so I direct my efforts to getting toilet paper which, because of its location right above my thigh, requires me to tuck my hand between my thigh and the dispenser and try to coax toilet paper with just my fingertips. And of course being the cooperative dispenser it is and the sturdiest toilet paper ever I get one square at a time. Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. (and the toilet automatically flushes because it is confused as to what is going on because I have folded in half to rest on the toilet paper dispenser from frustration and exhaustion and to stretch my hand that is cramping) Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. (Thank heavens I didn't have to do more than pee I'd be here forever!) Mission accomplished I maneuver from the seat, first one leg than the other so as not to get any more war wounds, button up, adjust my clothes (toilet self flushes...again) and go to open the door....inward. The first effort proves this isn't going to be pretty, so as gracefully (and hopefully as unnoticeable) as possible I back up and straddle the toilet seat, open the door and kind of shuffle in a strange sort of swaying move out of the stall trying to avoid the toilet dispenser and feminine trash can out and let the door swing closed behind me (with one last flush farewell from the toilet.) I consider taking a bow, but I'm eagerly pushed aside by another poor soul doing the dash so I wash my hands, winning the battle of the automatic soap and water faucets, dry my hands with vigorous shaking, I am NOT dealing with another stupid dispenser, and retreat to finish shopping.

If I ever own a business it is going to have the most amazing bathroom stalls EVER, you'll never want to pee anywhere else ever again! As for this bathroom I give you a 6.

Another day.....another diet

I have started a NEW diet program (you can follow my progress on my "I'm So Losing It" blog if you'd like) and it is TOUGH!!!! It is a high protein, food provided, one restricted home made meal, monitored program that allows no carbs, no sugar and NO CHEATING or.....boot.....off the program you go! Yikes! I was introduced to this program months ago, but found reasons, some justified and some not, to stall starting- mostly I was scared. This is a tough, full commitment program and although I knew I needed it I didn't "want" it. In the end I bit the bullet and jumped in with both feet- the only way on this program- and fully accepted that I needed, NEEDED, something more than I was doing for myself.

I wanted to lose weight, but I had a problem. I wanted to eat better, but I had a problem. I wanted to exercise more, but I had a problem. I wanted to be more active, but I had a problem. I wanted to reach my goals, but I had a problem. I finally faced the problem face to face, in the mirror, and said "NO MORE! Enough is enough! If you really want this you WILL do what it takes!" And then I did. I realized that if you really truly want something you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I truly believe that no goal, weight loss or otherwise, will happen till a person wants it enough to do whatever it takes. There may be many paths, use what works for you, but till you truly want it with no excuses, and you believe not only that you can and you will but that you deserve it for you, it won't happen. No one can give you that. You can't read it in a book. You can't find it in a magazine. You can't get it from a show. You can't eat from a bottle or swallow it in a pill. You have to face the mirror and say "I will no longer be the problem, but I will be a part of the solution because I deserve it for me!" Any goal less than yourself is not enough. Any effort less than your passionate best is not enough. You have to give 100% of you to you!

I am almost 2 weeks into this new diet program. At the end of the first week I weighed in and lost 5 inches and 14 pounds and I was amazed, not just at the loss, but because I DID IT! I followed through the tough and the miserable and it felt great. Is it easy now, a simple downhill coast? HECK NO! I still fight to not give up, but I not only want this, I want it for me. Wanting it for my kids, my husband and my dreams of traveling, etc those are icing on the cake. I am fighting this fight for me and I am going to win!

Inside out.....

Recently some girlfriends and I were hanging out and talking after a ladies night. Three of us are "chunky dunkers" and the other used to be, but now she is a "skinny dipper", and the conversation switched to how she lost the weight, her struggles, what she does now, etc. and mind you she is packing away a big ol' sandwich and chips with vigor while we are talking!

Ok I am going to take a moment right now and just straight up admit that the whole "how to lose weight" conversation has become....um....boring and frustrating for me. Truth plain and simple- I am tired of lecturing myself to do the things I know how to do that I don't do, or don't do well, because I have allowed my weight and laziness to control my body and my life and the "diet conversation" is a friendly version of lecturing myself. Kind of like a parent grows tired of reminding their child to do the exact same thing day after day and there comes a point where they wonder if the child will EVER learn and they just don't want to say it again and the child doesn't really want to hear it either- well I am both parent and child and I have been both parent and child for YEARS! And at the end of the day when I walk away from the "diet conversation" having inevitably re-visited tips, tricks, ideas "should's," "should nots," how I can do better, excuses, justifications, admittance and puffed up pats on the back and self props for mediocre "attempts" at dieting.....well I am plain drained. Part of me is encouraged, but most of me feels like I have been standing stark naked in front of a mirror pointing out every flaw from my soul out and each and every flaw is my own fault.

All that being said I still need to share this conversation because it was an eye opener for me. The conversation began with the jealousy question "Gosh how can you eat like that and not gain weight? I wish I could do that!" (everybody laughs) And she let's us know that she does have to work it off and she had to work really, REALLY hard to get where she is now. She also admitted it is hard to be skinny. (What?!?! You have got to be kidding.) And she also admitted that she still sees the plus sized girl in the mirror and she shared the bullying and judgment she gets as a skinny dipper. (Yeah right!? Really??) She shared how other skinny girls judge her because she is skinny too and some accuse her of being anorexic- so she gets judged for almost being TOO skinny. Plus size girls look at her like "just another skinny bitch" and retail workers are rude for the same reasons. She also admitted that shopping isn't as much fun as it used to be because there is no moment like when you are plus sized of finding that perfect something that makes your butt look good, or is a size smaller or just makes you feel hot- you that perfect moment that leaves you feeling great the whole day. We asked her if she was happy being skinny and she told us she wonders if she would almost rather be big again because she was happy. As she lost the weight she lost who she was. She had figured/hoped/thought that happiness was in a smaller size and that her self esteem would grow as she shrank and that is not entirely what happened. She told us that we need to be happy with who we are and strengthen our self esteem now because not only will it not be waiting for us wrapped in a bow when we lose weight but we are going to need it to survive the skinny prejudice too. (Wow. I felt speechless.)

As a plus size person I talk myself up all the time trying to make me comfortable in my own skin. And I have believed for a long time that "if I can just lose the weight I will be happier," believed that self-esteem and confidence were in the smaller me. This conversation made me take a look at me. Am I happy with me- the person who exists under the layers whether they be big or small layers? Do I know what makes me, me? Will I lose who I am when I lose weight? I think I have some work to do, I have some self esteem to strengthen and I have a belief in me I have to put more confidence behind. Just like the "diet conversation" I lecture myself on self esteem too and I know there is an amazing person in me, that I am an amazing person with my own uniqueness flaws and all, and I know I keep that me caged in a prison of self doubt and fear. I need to let me out of prison or else big or small I will always be unhappy.

And thank you A... (you know who you are) for sharing- you inspired me in a way you may never know!