Do you ever find yourself rating the bizarre and unusual? Lately I have been rating public bathrooms. No really. There is nothing quite like the mad dash one makes to the potty- the half crossed leg dance walk scoot jumping because you waited just a liiiiitle too long- and then you find a disappointing bathroom. I swear some places forget they even have to put a bathroom in until someone points it out and then they throw a toilet and sink in a narrow hallway and add a door. Seriously? Crappy bathrooms are bad enough. Crappy bathrooms as a chunky dunker are a WHOLE other story.
Out and about doing my thing and mother nature calls.....loud and clear, so I dash in a cross-legged-canter to the bathroom and bummer there is no handicap stall. (Yes I use the handicap stalls- they are roomy and I am BIG.) So I dash (or crash) into one of the smaller stalls. Push the door open, squeeze in, hop and wiggle my pants down (which is hard to do when my legs are crossed) and utter a sigh of relief and irritation as I scrape my hip on some protruding thing and land my butt in the nick of time on the seat. Pheeeeewww! Now that I know I am NOT going to pee my pants and be utterly humiliated I get...uh comfortable...with one arm resting on the toilet paper dispenser which is hovering just above my thigh and the other on the "feminine product disposal can" - which I am pretty sure is what got a piece of me as I made my lunar landing on the seat- and is hovering above my other thigh. And sadly I catch my breath and even stall a moment or two. Unfortunately being a girl I can't just pee and shake (well I could but, ew) so I direct my efforts to getting toilet paper which, because of its location right above my thigh, requires me to tuck my hand between my thigh and the dispenser and try to coax toilet paper with just my fingertips. And of course being the cooperative dispenser it is and the sturdiest toilet paper ever I get one square at a time. Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. (and the toilet automatically flushes because it is confused as to what is going on because I have folded in half to rest on the toilet paper dispenser from frustration and exhaustion and to stretch my hand that is cramping) Roll. Tear. Roll. Tear. (Thank heavens I didn't have to do more than pee I'd be here forever!) Mission accomplished I maneuver from the seat, first one leg than the other so as not to get any more war wounds, button up, adjust my clothes (toilet self flushes...again) and go to open the door....inward. The first effort proves this isn't going to be pretty, so as gracefully (and hopefully as unnoticeable) as possible I back up and straddle the toilet seat, open the door and kind of shuffle in a strange sort of swaying move out of the stall trying to avoid the toilet dispenser and feminine trash can out and let the door swing closed behind me (with one last flush farewell from the toilet.) I consider taking a bow, but I'm eagerly pushed aside by another poor soul doing the dash so I wash my hands, winning the battle of the automatic soap and water faucets, dry my hands with vigorous shaking, I am NOT dealing with another stupid dispenser, and retreat to finish shopping.
If I ever own a business it is going to have the most amazing bathroom stalls EVER, you'll never want to pee anywhere else ever again! As for this bathroom I give you a 6.
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