Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! I can't believe I am dirty, flirty, fun and 30!! Yikes!
As one can imagine I have been very apprehensive about this birthday, the first big milestone birthday, going from excited to miserable, but I think I have settled on excited! And to top it off I have given myself, with the help of a wonderful program and an amazing support system (I love you guys!) one the greatest gifts.........
I am under 300 pounds for the first time in over SIX YEARS!! Wow! Happy Birthday to me!
Now admittedly after all the indulgence and fun of celebrating I am probably going to un-give my gift for a week, but for today I am under 300 pounds and it feels amazing to know I have done that! And with it has come a smaller size, the ability to buy a new cute shirt to celebrate in and the energy to party all night long!!
I know I have a long ways to go to reach the end goal, but right now I can celebrate.....and I am gonna CELEBRATE!! Can I get a woot woot!!??
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Reality Check
The interesting thing about having a blog and friends that read it is that if you are too negative you end up with large boot prints all over your butt! Seriously!
So first of all, thank you to all of you who read, listened, encouraged and kicked my butt OUT of my self pity funk and helped me see a better perspective! Love to you guys!
Mind over matter......there really is something to that. It is interesting to be in my position- having success and yet being blind to it. In the process of "de-funking" I had two experiences that helped drive home just how far I have come.
While out shopping on the hunt for a hot pink shaker cup my sister and I passed by little weights- 3 and 5 pound ones. So for the heck of it I had her stack them up in my arms trying to get to the amount of weight I had lost. There weren't enough weights but we did get to about 35 pounds. Holy moley guacamole! That was HEAVY and I was only holding it for a few minutes AND it was only PART of the total amount of weight I have lost to date. WHAT???? I used to live and walk and function with that weight ALL THE TIME!!! How could I have lost all that and not realized what I had accomplished? And how could I have let myself put not just that much weight but so much more on? As we were putting them back she noted that the small 3 pound and 1 pound ones weren't too bad to hold and it was like a light burst through the clouds shining on us while angels sang- um yeah 1 or 2 pounds at a time isn't all that bad, isn't all that noticeable, thus making it so easy to just keep gaining little by little till before you know it ..... BAM chunky dunker-ville!
In the same way the weight has been coming off and I just couldn't see it. I have been feeling it and acting on it as I unconsciously move more and do more and wear smaller clothes, but I was blind to the overall progress. I couldn't help but think "so what I'm still fat and have a loooooong way to go."
Then I was going through pictures, some old and some new. And with permission I have to share.
I can't ignore that. I just can't. Plain and simple there is less us, less ME! And if I am honest with myself, and take the time to think back while I let my boot bruised booty re-coup, there HAVE been small, but definite changes. I can walk longer distances and stay on my feet for longer periods of time without getting winded and tired. I have more energy to get things done. I am not as sore all the time- in my back, my legs and my feet, I still have to fight the demons of my bad habits and cravings and mental struggles (like laziness and associating food to friends) but, each step, each and every step little as they may be are steps in the RIGHT direction and they are moving me toward a healthier and overall happier me!
So first of all, thank you to all of you who read, listened, encouraged and kicked my butt OUT of my self pity funk and helped me see a better perspective! Love to you guys!
Mind over matter......there really is something to that. It is interesting to be in my position- having success and yet being blind to it. In the process of "de-funking" I had two experiences that helped drive home just how far I have come.
While out shopping on the hunt for a hot pink shaker cup my sister and I passed by little weights- 3 and 5 pound ones. So for the heck of it I had her stack them up in my arms trying to get to the amount of weight I had lost. There weren't enough weights but we did get to about 35 pounds. Holy moley guacamole! That was HEAVY and I was only holding it for a few minutes AND it was only PART of the total amount of weight I have lost to date. WHAT???? I used to live and walk and function with that weight ALL THE TIME!!! How could I have lost all that and not realized what I had accomplished? And how could I have let myself put not just that much weight but so much more on? As we were putting them back she noted that the small 3 pound and 1 pound ones weren't too bad to hold and it was like a light burst through the clouds shining on us while angels sang- um yeah 1 or 2 pounds at a time isn't all that bad, isn't all that noticeable, thus making it so easy to just keep gaining little by little till before you know it ..... BAM chunky dunker-ville!
In the same way the weight has been coming off and I just couldn't see it. I have been feeling it and acting on it as I unconsciously move more and do more and wear smaller clothes, but I was blind to the overall progress. I couldn't help but think "so what I'm still fat and have a loooooong way to go."
Then I was going through pictures, some old and some new. And with permission I have to share.
ONE YEAR AGO:
TWO WEEKS AGO:
I can't ignore that. I just can't. Plain and simple there is less us, less ME! And if I am honest with myself, and take the time to think back while I let my boot bruised booty re-coup, there HAVE been small, but definite changes. I can walk longer distances and stay on my feet for longer periods of time without getting winded and tired. I have more energy to get things done. I am not as sore all the time- in my back, my legs and my feet, I still have to fight the demons of my bad habits and cravings and mental struggles (like laziness and associating food to friends) but, each step, each and every step little as they may be are steps in the RIGHT direction and they are moving me toward a healthier and overall happier me!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Lost
"Hello brick wall, my name is Stephanie."
I.....am.......so.....lost......in......the.........mire.........of........the.......world........of......diet.....ugh!
I am blind to my success and have lost sight of my goals- any of them- and my will power is somewhere in the bottom of barrel or something because I just can't seem to find it. Why oh why.....wallow....wallow....wallow.
This has been the dominant thought as of late. And then my logic fights back.....stop sulking....you can do this....just get your mind over matter!!! And then back again to wallowing....then to logic...wallowing....logic....I think I am getting sea sick.
So the question that comes to mind is "Why?"
Why can't I keep my will power motivated?
Why do I feel so bummed out?
Why can't I see my success?
Why can't I seem to make food not be a happy thing for me?
Why can't I stay focused on my goals?
Why do I feel like I am going to die before I ever succeed as a dieter? (And why when I ask myself that question does dieter rhyme with mouse-k-tere like it is a nickname for some happy club with a theme song?)
Why above all am I doing this mental torture to myself?
The only answer I can seem to come up with is "I don't know."
I know this........I don't feel happy and miss feeling happy. Logic says I should feel happy because I have lost weight and I can do more and move better and am closer to my goals, etc. Logic says happy is a figment of my imagination (so to speak) and I can create "happiness" if I choose to. Logic says happy is not the goal- healthy is. Logic I'd like to tell you to stuff it with a very poignant hand signal as I kick you off a pier into shark infested salt water with bleeding wounds!
I want to feel happy happy and not just on this side of sad, grouchy and irritable. So what makes me happy and why am I not? Why can't I experience happiness in tandem with logic? Again.....I don't know. I know lately I have been feeling deprived- yes of the foods and flavors I love- but also from the good feeling I have when I enjoy them and the experiences I feel I am missing out on because I can't fully participate because I can't eat. And then I feel guilty for feeling upset. How crazy circular is that? I have been feeling irritated at all the people who are dieting like I am and they seem to have the sun shining out their where sun isn't supposed to shine. I have been feeling disappointed with myself because I can't make myself feel happy. I have been feeling tired of trying to revive my willpower. I have been feeling like I disappoint people because I am not feeling so happy go lucky. I have been feeling almost fake because I encourage and motivate others (the best I can) and on the inside I feel like this.
So now what??? How do I counter deprived, missing out, guilty, irritated, disappointed, disappointing people and fake?
I don't know.....at least today I don't.
I.....am.......so.....lost......in......the.........mire.........of........the.......world........of......diet.....ugh!
I am blind to my success and have lost sight of my goals- any of them- and my will power is somewhere in the bottom of barrel or something because I just can't seem to find it. Why oh why.....wallow....wallow....wallow.
This has been the dominant thought as of late. And then my logic fights back.....stop sulking....you can do this....just get your mind over matter!!! And then back again to wallowing....then to logic...wallowing....logic....I think I am getting sea sick.
So the question that comes to mind is "Why?"
Why can't I keep my will power motivated?
Why do I feel so bummed out?
Why can't I see my success?
Why can't I seem to make food not be a happy thing for me?
Why can't I stay focused on my goals?
Why do I feel like I am going to die before I ever succeed as a dieter? (And why when I ask myself that question does dieter rhyme with mouse-k-tere like it is a nickname for some happy club with a theme song?)
Why above all am I doing this mental torture to myself?
The only answer I can seem to come up with is "I don't know."
I know this........I don't feel happy and miss feeling happy. Logic says I should feel happy because I have lost weight and I can do more and move better and am closer to my goals, etc. Logic says happy is a figment of my imagination (so to speak) and I can create "happiness" if I choose to. Logic says happy is not the goal- healthy is. Logic I'd like to tell you to stuff it with a very poignant hand signal as I kick you off a pier into shark infested salt water with bleeding wounds!
I want to feel happy happy and not just on this side of sad, grouchy and irritable. So what makes me happy and why am I not? Why can't I experience happiness in tandem with logic? Again.....I don't know. I know lately I have been feeling deprived- yes of the foods and flavors I love- but also from the good feeling I have when I enjoy them and the experiences I feel I am missing out on because I can't fully participate because I can't eat. And then I feel guilty for feeling upset. How crazy circular is that? I have been feeling irritated at all the people who are dieting like I am and they seem to have the sun shining out their where sun isn't supposed to shine. I have been feeling disappointed with myself because I can't make myself feel happy. I have been feeling tired of trying to revive my willpower. I have been feeling like I disappoint people because I am not feeling so happy go lucky. I have been feeling almost fake because I encourage and motivate others (the best I can) and on the inside I feel like this.
So now what??? How do I counter deprived, missing out, guilty, irritated, disappointed, disappointing people and fake?
I don't know.....at least today I don't.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Beautiful Creation
I absolutely LOVE this song by MercyMe and every time I hear it I feel a little bit better! It is so easy to get caught up in life, in being busy and comparing myself to other people and pictures in magazines and where I've been and where I want to be that I forget that I am created beautiful because God made me that way. No matter what others say or what I say about myself the truth is that I am God's creation and He made me beautiful, just as He did with all His creations! Big, small, short, tall, freckled, crooked teeth, wrinkled, fair skinned, dark skinned, big ears, high forehead, funny toes, straight hair, curly hair, short torso-ed, long limb-ed......ALL these features are beautiful because they are exactly as God created them to be on each and every beautiful creation He designed! Now if only I can remember that in my low moments.
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