Lost

"Hello brick wall, my name is Stephanie."

I.....am.......so.....lost......in......the.........mire.........of........the.......world........of......diet.....ugh!
I am blind to my success and have lost sight of my goals- any of them- and my will power is somewhere in the bottom of barrel or something because I just can't seem to find it. Why oh why.....wallow....wallow....wallow.

This has been the dominant thought as of late. And then my logic fights back.....stop sulking....you can do this....just get your mind over matter!!! And then back again to wallowing....then to logic...wallowing....logic....I think I am getting sea sick.

So the question that comes to mind is "Why?"
Why can't I keep my will power motivated?
Why do I feel so bummed out?
Why can't I see my success?
Why can't I seem to make food not be a happy thing for me?
Why can't I stay focused on my goals?
Why do I feel like I am going to die before I ever succeed as a dieter? (And why when I ask myself that question does dieter rhyme with mouse-k-tere like it is a nickname for some happy club with a theme song?)
Why above all am I doing this mental torture to myself?

The only answer I can seem to come up with is "I don't know."

I know this........I don't feel happy and miss feeling happy. Logic says I should feel happy because I have lost weight and I can do more and move better and am closer to my goals, etc. Logic says happy is a figment of my imagination (so to speak) and I can create "happiness" if I choose to. Logic says happy is not the goal- healthy is. Logic I'd like to tell you to stuff it with a very poignant hand signal as I kick you off a pier into shark infested salt water with bleeding wounds!

I want to feel happy happy and not just on this side of sad, grouchy and irritable. So what makes me happy and why am I not? Why can't I experience happiness in tandem with logic? Again.....I don't know. I know lately I have been feeling deprived- yes of the foods and flavors I love- but also from the good feeling I have when I enjoy them and the experiences I feel I am missing out on because I can't fully participate because I can't eat. And then I feel guilty for feeling upset. How crazy circular is that? I have been feeling irritated at all the people who are dieting like I am and they seem to have the sun shining out their where sun isn't supposed to shine. I have been feeling disappointed with myself because I can't make myself feel happy. I have been feeling tired of trying to revive my willpower. I have been feeling like I disappoint people because I am not feeling so happy go lucky. I have been feeling almost fake because I encourage and motivate others (the best I can) and on the inside I feel like this.

So now what??? How do I counter deprived, missing out, guilty, irritated, disappointed, disappointing people and fake?

I don't know.....at least today I don't.